Dorothy: Well, Ma?
Sophia: Five minutes and ten seconds.
Dorothy: That's a little long. What should I cut?
Sophia: After hearing that act, your throat.

Blanche: While I was in the waiting room, I was reading a magazine that listed the ten richest men in America. You know, Merv Griffin's moved up a couple of notches.
Dorothy: He probably ate the two guys ahead of him.

Rose: D'you wanna see my vanskap kokker?
Sophia: As long as I don't have to show you mine.
Rose: It's a St. Olaf friendship cake. I'm taking it to Roger. It's made with milk, sugar, honey, a whole lot of love, and just a drop of sunshine.
Blanche: Honey, why don't you leave the poor man alone?
Rose: I know if he got to know me, he'd like me.
Sophia: Why? I got to know you, I don't like you.
Rose: You just say that.
Sophia: Repeatedly.

Roger: Rose! I was just thinking about you.
Rose: Really?
Roger: Yeah, my hand was throbbing.
Rose: I brought you a vanskap kokker. It's a traditional St. Olaf friendship cake.
Roger: Rose, I don't want any gifts from you. I mean, I really don't wanna have anything to do with you. Let me ask you something. What is your idea of a friend?
Rose: Well, a friend is someone who likes you and respects you and is willing to do things for you.
Roger: So if I was your friend, you'd be willing to do things for me and respect my wishes?
Rose: Of course. I'd have to.
Roger: Well, I've asked you to leave me alone, and you haven't. What kind of friend is that?
Rose: Well, you said you weren't my friend.
Roger: Well, what if I say I am your friend?
Rose: Well, then I'd have to do it, you'd be my friend.
Roger: Then we're friends!
Rose: You mean it?
Roger: Forever. Just don't forget to leave me alone.
Rose: That's what friends are for.

Sophia: Pussycat, I've been working on some jokes for your act. Why did Rose throw the alarm clock out of the window?
Dorothy: I don't know, Ma. Why?
Sophia: Because she's a moron. I got a million of 'em.