Rose: I remember when I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. There was this old lady who lived up the street. She never smiled. I mean, she always looked angry. The kids said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her property. We called her Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper.
Blanche: Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.
Rose: No. That was her name. Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper. She had it changed legally 'cause everybody called her that anyway.
Blanche: Then how come your name isn't Big Dummy?
Rose: Well, there were already three other people in town with that name. But that's beside the point. One day I got up the courage to go up to Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper and ask her why she always frowned. Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles. I pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down. So from then on, whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave.

Rose: Well, it wasn't unnatural in St. Olaf. We not only took care of our old people, we revered them, honored them, put them on a pedestal. 'Course, that's how we got to be the broken hip capital of the Midwest.

Blanche: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy: Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.
Blanche: What's the other theory?
Dorothy: Men are scum.

Sophia: Please, Dorothy. If we win this thing, I can die a happy woman.
Dorothy: Ma, I refuse to be a part of your neurotic need to be number one. Now, just let it go.
Sophia: How many challenges do I have left in life? Seeing if I can get more than halfway across the street before the "Don't Walk" sign comes on. Trying to stay awake on the john. Hoping it is the john. Competition is the thing that keeps me going. But, if you want me to let it go.

Rose: I should have said no to the Miss St. Olaf beauty pageant. It was 1951. That was the first year they let humans enter too. I was way ahead after the evening-gown and log-rolling competition. People don't realize how hard it is to roll log when you're wearing an evening gown. And the shocker is I lost out on the intelligence quiz.
Dorothy: Quelle surprise!
Rose: Don't I know it. They asked me to name the seven dwarves, and I did. But evidently I didn't name the seven they had in mind.
Dorothy: Rose, hand me that newspaper.
Rose: No. You're gonna hit me with it.
Dorothy: No, I won't.
Rose: You promise?
Dorothy: I promise. [Dorothy hands the newspaper to Blanche, who hits Rose with it]