Blanche: David, I want you to come in and sit down. Now, we have to have a talk. I am tired of you lurking around outside my house and tailing me at the supermarket. Now, enough is enough. You have an unhealthy, obsessive love for me. Honey, you need professional help.
David: Mrs. Devereaux, I don't have those feelings for you.
Blanche: Oh.
David: I have been following you around, and I'm sorry. But I have something to tell you, and well, this is just so difficult for me.
Blanche: Oh. Whenever I have something hard to say, I just say it fast. Like back in high school, when I wanted to break up with Carl Dugan, the captain of the football team. Well, I was very nervous. So I just spat it right out. "Carl, I'm dumping you for Coach Wilkins." Afterwards, I felt much better. You just go ahead and tell me. Go ahead.

Sophia: This is tough, Blanche. I know how you feel. I hate to say it, but Sal almost cheated on me once.
Dorothy: Ma. Really?
Sophia: I was pregnant with your brother Phil. And just because I put on 40lbs and was crying all the time, your father got the wandering eye.
Dorothy: Did you ever find out who it was?
Sophia: I never actually met her, but I heard she was a short, scrawny, birdlike thing who never shut up. I guess variety is the spice of life.

Rose: Blanche, there's something I need to tell you. I've told a lie and now I have a guilty conscience.
Blanche: Really? You know, I've heard that could happen.
Rose: I lied to you when I said Charlie never cheated on me. You know, he was this traveling salesman, and one very dark night he ran out of gas in front of this farmhouse. And he knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. And the farmer said, "Yes, but there's only one place you can sleep and that's with my daughter." Well, the ironic thing was, if it had been light out, Charlie would have realized that he was just two blocks away from home. It was really embarrassing because that story really got around. I must have heard it a hundred times. Everybody thought it was a big joke.
Blanche: That must have hurt.
Rose: Yeah, it hurt a lot. And it made me angry. I was so mad, I refused to make strudel for a year.
Blanche: That's not so bad.
Rose: "Strudel" was our little pet name for sex.
Blanche: Wow. You were mad.
Rose: You bet. But I decided one mistake shouldn't erase the memories of all the good times, or how much we loved each other. Don't throw George's memory away just 'cause he made a mistake.

Blanche: [to a photo of George] You son of a- You put me through all this and I could have had Andy Rooney.

Sophia: Well, Rose, do I look like the mayor of Palm Springs?
Rose: Doug Henning is the mayor of Palm Springs?
Sophia: Just play the music, Rose.
[Rose starts to play "I Got You Babe"]
Dorothy: [singing] They say we're young and we don't know We won't find out until we grow
Sophia: [singing] I don't know if all that's true But you got me and, baby, I got you
Both: Babe I got you, babe I got you, babe
Dorothy: They say our love won't pay the rent- [Rose stops playing] Rose, what's wrong? There's another verse.

Blanche: Oh, for goodness' sakes. Why, you two could be celebrity look-alikes.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, honey, you really think so?
Blanche: Well, absolutely. So, which one's Cheech and which one's Chong?
Sophia: I'm Sonny Bono, you idiot.
Dorothy: Gee, I wonder how many maitre Dd's have heard that line.

Dorothy: David, why would you say a thing like that?
David: My mother passed away recently, and I found out that for years she had received child-support checks from a trust fund in Miami. Well, I was always told my dad died before I was born. Then I found my birth certificate. And there, listed as my father, was George Devereaux.
Rose: Well, maybe there was another George Devereaux in Miami.
David: And this was the address in my mom's old book.
Rose: Who also lived in this house.

Dorothy: I'm sorry, Ma.
Sophia: Sorry enough to be in the Shady Pines mother-daughter beauty pageant?
Dorothy: Ma, you hate Shady Pines. Why do you want to go back?
Sophia: Two words. Gladys Goldfine.
Dorothy: Ma, just because you don't like the woman doesn't mean that we have to embarrass ourselves in public.
Sophia: This contest is my chance to put that old witch in her place, once and for all. Not only am I a looker, but I have a daughter twice as beautiful as hers.
Dorothy: Ma, that's very sweet, but I still-
Sophia: And then I thought, "Wait. Your sister Gloria is in California." So it's you or nothing.

Sophia: Look, pussycat. I've found matching dresses we could order for the evening-gown competition.
Dorothy: Ma, those are totally inappropriate.
Sophia: Don't worry. They come with matching panties. For when we do the cartwheels.
Dorothy: Ma, forget it.
Sophia: Oh, come on. Mine are gonna say "Hello" and yours are gonna say "America."
Dorothy: Ma, why can't we wear something simple in basic black?
Sophia: It's a bad idea, Dorothy. You wear black at Shady Pines and they'll stop the show for a head count.

David: Believe me, Mrs. Devereaux, if I'd known he was dead, I never would have left Dallas.
Blanche: Well, now you know. Goodbye.
David: I know this is painful for you, but there's so much I need to know. What did he do for a living? Was he funny? Did he have any hobbies?
Sophia: He had at least one.