Blanche: I don't understand this, but these men are acting crazy.
Sophia: You're telling me. I haven't been hit on like this since I stopped hanging out at the midnight show of Harold and Maude.

Dorothy: Oh, come on, Ma. That's superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back.
It doesn't work. I know. I tried.

Blanche: Well, you know this necklace is a priceless heirloom. It belonged to my Grammy. I've only worn it three times in my whole life, and each occasion marked the beginning of a passionate romance. And tonight, I've decided to wear it with clothes.

Dorothy: Look, I'm sorry, Ma, I don't like to keep secrets.
Sophia: Oh, like when you kept the secret you were taking me to Shady Pines?
Dorothy: Ma, I swear I didn't sleep more than seven hours that night.

Sophia: You know what kills me? The year you locked me up at Shady Pines, she roamed around free.

Blanche: You mean, men are comin' on to you?
Sophia: Yeah. One guy told me he thought wrinkles were sexy. I took him out to the garage where he could see me under the fluorescents. I'm telling you, this full moon is making people crazy.

Blanche: I cannot believe this. I just can't. I give you four of the best hours of my life, and this is the thanks I get?
Derek: Blanche, my darling, I can explain.
Blanche: Oh, you have disappointed me, Derek, and you have lost my trust. And when a man loses the trust of Blanche Devereaux, well, let's just say I have a list of things I will not do with guys I don't trust. Admittedly, it's a short list, but I bet all your favorites are on it.

Rose: Me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I finally won a giveaway. And you said I was stupid for entering so many contests.
Dorothy: I did? Gee, I find it hard to believe I'd even care.
Rose: This makes it all worthwhile. All those endless hours licking stamps, licking envelopes, temporarily losing my ability to taste sweets.
Dorothy: Rose, what did you win?
Rose: A free prostate check. Who's stupid now?
Dorothy: You are.
Rose: Yeah. Stupid all the way to the bank.

Miles: Dorothy, am I doing the right thing? Here I'm gonna marry Rose, I don't even know if I can live with her. I mean, what if she leaves every light on in the house at night? Or just doesn't turn off the faucet so that it drips all night long? Or just stands there and stares into the refrigerator? Just stares. Oh, Dorothy, my God.
Dorothy: Oh, Miles, I don't know what you're so worried about. Rose is a wonderful woman. She's so loving and caring. All right, so she's not perfect. So she has a- A few faults.
Miles: Like what?
Dorothy: She's maddening. St. Olaf stories, sock puppets, and she's so cheerful in the morning that you just want to take your grapefruit and shove it in her face. Hard. As hard as she can stand it.
Miles: Boy, I'd like to see who was runner-up for maid of honor.

Rose: I am so excited. I'm gonna have an old-fashioned St. Olaf wedding. Dorothy, you're my best friend. Will you be my maid of honor?
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, I'd be- Wait a minute. I won't have to wear horns or one of those metal brassieres, will I?
Rose: Oh, no, Dorothy. I'm the one that's getting married.