Harrison Whitby: I love it.
Beverly: Oh, I knew it! Beverly Goldberg is gonna be a household name.
Harrison Whitby: Beverly Goldberg? Oh, no, I'm reading the wrong book. Oh, your book. Your book is crap.
Beverly: What? But I took out all the blood and historical tragedy!
Harrison Whitby: I don't know what that means. But this right here feels like it was written by a sappy, sheltered simpleton.
Adam: Ouch. Kind of harsh.
Harrison Whitby: Okay, who are you?
Adam: Her hyper-sensitive son who takes her setbacks personally.

Beverly: [answers phone] Hello. Oh. Hi, Mr. Whitby. You read the rewrite? Oh. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay. [hangs up]
Murray: Well?
Pops: Tell us.
Beverly: I'm a [bleep] cookbook author! [screams]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] In the end, you never know what life's gonna cook up for you. One thing's for sure... The sweetest moments are even better when the people around you are there to serve up a hug, even if it is the obvious emotional resolution.

Beverly: And save room for dessert, 'cause Mama made her signature upside-down chocolate peanut butter cheesecake.
Pops: There's no top or bottom to it, so I'm just going right for the middle.
Adam: You know, Dave Kim's family all go for a walk after dinner.
Murray: If you can walk afterwards, you're doing it wrong.

Beverly: [on the phone] Hi. It's Beverly Goldberg.
Harrison Whitby: Harrison Whitby of Whitby and Sons Publishing. No relation. I'm calling about your cookbook.
Beverly: Everybody shut up right now.
Adam: But nobody's saying anything.
Beverly: I will drown you in that damn cake if you don't shut your dumb, fat mouth! [calmly] How can I help you, Mr. Whitby?
Harrison Whitby: I think I can help you. You see, every cookbook that comes across my desk is low-fat this, no-sugar that. But yours... Yours is not concerned with health in any way.
Beverly: Well, that's because I disregard the most basic dietary guidelines.
Harrison Whitby: And that's exactly why I want to publish it.
Beverly: [hushed] Holy [bleep], Holy [bleep], Holy [bleep]. [calmly] That's nice news.
Harrison Whitby: I just need a little rewrite.
Beverly: You want me to add more lard, butter, and salt to the recipes? Uh, it'll kill people, but I'll do it.
Harrison Whitby: No. I just need the stories behind the recipes. Tell me where they came from. Make it personal.
Beverly: Oh, I can do that. People are always telling me, "I know way too much about you!"
Harrison Whitby: Beautiful. No rush. Just get it to me in 48 hours.

Beverly: They're gonna publish my cookbook!
Murray: Oh, how about that?
Adam: Anything is possible!
Beverly: I deserve everything that's coming to me.
Pops: You really do, Bevy. I'll make sure to save a spot on my bookshelf.
Beverly: Ooh, that's a good idea. I need to make some room, too. I'm an author!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Somehow they'd managed to keep it civil the whole semester... Until one fateful night.
Andy: Oh, my God, Big Tasty! You're destroying the world record in 110-meter hurdles!
Geoff: He's the Carl Lewis of pressing red and blue buttons with his feet!
Barry: It's happening! Big Tasty's gonna finally take the gol... No!
Erica: Oopsy, was this thing connected to that? My bad. Get out.

Matt: My sister gets priority on all my mom's love and affection.
Barry: No one cares about your tragic home life, Matt Bradley. I want to run on a plastic mat!
Erica: Well, we all have stories. I'll get the door for you.
Barry: JTP, I demand you stay.
Andy: Sorry, Tasty.
Naked Rob: Big sis rules.
Matt: Behind this smile is pain.

Barry: Geoffrey "Mad Man" Schwartz, how many times have I saved your life?
Geoff: None?
Barry: I would've if you weren't so boring and risk-averse.
Geoff: I'm not comfortable being in the middle of this.
Barry: You will be in the middle of this. It's decided. As a neutral third party, you will establish a system of rules to stop our petty squabbling.
Geoff: That sounds like a nightmare!
Erica: I'm good with it. But just remember who hugs and kisses you.
Barry: Oh, well, there's plenty of that to go around. Come on! Get in there. Come on. Doing all the work. Come on. My guy.

Geoff: Okay, so you're both holding the binders that I stayed up all night creating with the guidelines in order to keep this room safe and fun.
Barry: These are so stupid. And I want the blue one.
Geoff: You'll find it details solutions to all of your living issues.
Barry: Oh, so many words and tabs! Just tell your loudmouth girlfriend to stop being so bossy.
Erica: I will punch your head while you sleep.
Barry: Joke's on you. My skull is crazy-jacked.

Geoff: Enough. Consult your binders. I'm not your referee.
Erica: Wait, that's it. You're our referee... Our Geoff-er-ee.
Barry: It works 'cause it's your name and also your new job.
Geoff: I'm not staying here full-time to mediate every fight, conflict, or disagreement.
Barry: It would work better than these crappy binders.
Erica: Yeah. Swing and a miss, hon.
Geoff: You didn't even open them.
Barry: We've moved on from your embarrassing binders. You should, too.