Erica: Mommy, remember that one time when I lived in your tummy?
Beverly: [gasps] So weird. I was just thinking about that.

Adam: [As Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'll be back.
Beverly: You're not going anywhere, mister. You got schmutz all over your face. Here, let Mama get it off.
Adam: No! I'm Commando.
Beverly: Commando? No, no, no. Go put some undies on. You're gonna chafe your little gumdrops.

Adam: Evening, dad. Full disclosure I'm gonna do that thing where I present you with an awesome idea and ask you to fund it.
Pops: Kiddo, please don't put us all through this again. It's hard to watch.
Adam: Not this time. I've decided to make my first action movie. And I need you to help me realize my vision. Behold! It's called "Recipe for Death."
Murray: I'm in.
Adam: I play John Cook, the street-wise chef whose brother was kidnapped by the Mafia. Now the only thing I serve is vengeance.
Murray: I'm in.
Adam: Let me finish before you mock me. My movie stars the world's biggest, baddest action hero. He's not from Austria, like Arnold, or Belgium, like Van Damme, or wherever Steven Seagal is from. Probably central Florida. No! This superstar lives in our house! Me.
Murray: Stop talking! I'm in!
Pops: We get it, you're out, just let the poor yutz finish.
Murray: What part of "I'm in" don't you get? The answer is yes.
Adam: Oh, sweet balls! I've never made it this far. What do I ask for? I'm panicking.

Adam: My dad has a seriously freaky talent of making action-movie zingers. Watch. Hey, Dad. What would Arnold say if he threw a guy off a cliff?
Murray: "My favorite season is fall." "You've been grounded." "It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a dead guy." "Surprise! Hope you weren't thrown."
Adam: What would Arnold say to a guy he just fed to a lion?
Murray: "Pleased to eat you." "This won't hurt, or am I lyin'?" "Show some pride."
Dave Kim: What would Arnold say if he just ripped a guy's heart out?
Murray: "You're under cardiac arrest." "Be my Valentine." "Don't be so heartless."
Adam: He could be an action star.
Murray: Bevy! I need your strong fingers.
Adam: Or maybe not.

Murray: Hoo-hoo! Look at Commando go! He just punched that guy dead! No, Commando! Don't go in that shed! Adam, Commando won't listen!
Adam: [whispering] You know who is listening? The entire theater!

Adam: "See you ladle"? I-I didn't write that.
Murray: That'd be me. I did some noodling with the script, partner.
Adam: Dad. You can't rewrite my script.
Murray: But you didn't have any snappy one-liners like Arnold says. That's the best part of an action movie.
Coach Mellor: Now you got a bunch of 'em. Sear you later. Spat-u-later. Cheese ya grater.
Adam: They are all the same!

Dave Kim: Schwarzenegger really is the coolest man alive.
Adam: And his acting gets slightly better in every movie.

Murray: Incredible. That had everything you want in a movie. Explosions, revenge, a steam pipe being thrown through a guy. All movies should be "Commando." Or "Rambo." Or any action movie with an "O" on the end, I'm in.

Adam: This is my big ticket to get him to finally pony up some dough for a homemade action movie.
Dave Kim: Dude, when are you gonna learn?
Adam: What?
Dave Kim: It's like every week you go to your dad and ask him to support one of your insanely geeky hobbies.
Adam: [scoffs] Name one.
Dave Kim: Robots, swords, video games, Space Camp, D&D, Magic, Fraggles, a new computer so you could "Weird Science" up a hot girl.
Adam: I live a rich life, Dave Kim! But this time's gonna be different 'cause for the first time, we love the same thing. He can't say no.
Dave Kim: And yet, I think he'll find a way.

Erica: Anyway. Can we go shopping for a dress?
Beverly: Wait, to clarify, I'm being invited to go shopping by you, my delicious little pickle.
Erica: Yeah, that's me. A pickle. Whatever it takes.
Beverly: [camera shutter clicks] Oh! I just had to capture the moment so I could remember it forever.
The moment when my daughter became my best friend.
Erica: So that's a yes?
Beverly: Heck, yes! Grab your coat! Look out, Gimbels! The Goldberg gals are coming in hot!
Erica: Actually, I was thinking a different store.
Beverly: Oh, but everybody loves Gimbels.
Erica: Yeah, it's like traveling back to a simpler, less-fashionable era. I was thinking more Benetton.
Beverly: Ooh, yes. That's the place where you order the meats and they cook them right there next to you and then they flip the meats into your mouth and then you eat the meats.
Erica: That's Benihana.
Beverly: Okay, then. So, Gimbels first, then flying meats, then we get our nails done, then a sherbet stop, then I gotta pick up your dad's prescription, then paddleboating in the park, and then who knows? The moon.