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28Quotes from ‘Stefan King’

The Goldbergs: Stefan King

405. Stefan King

Aired October 26, 2016

In a bid to be the next Stephen King, Adam conjures up the scariest monster he can think of: his smother. Meanwhile, Erica plots to get a date with Geoff Schwartz on Halloween.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: I just don't understand how you could do this. Why would you hide something so amazing from your mother?
Adam: You actually liked it?
Beverly: Liked it? This is as good, if not better, than Stefan King himself.
Adam: Stephen King. And you've read his stuff?
Beverly: Not a word. But I'll tell you something. He'd better look out for Adam F. Goldberg. Love the middle initial, very authorly.
Adam: It's only there 'cause there's another Adam Goldberg in school. He's in 11th grade and has a beard.

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Quote from Pops

Elaine: Beverly, we usually do classics or award winners. The point of book club is to enrich our minds.
Beverly: Put a sock in it, Elaine. Last week, you picked that suck-ass "Joy Luck Club."
Pops: Bevy, that book was a heart-wrenching masterpiece.
Beverly: Okay, what are you even doing here? This is a book club for ladies.
Pops: That's exactly why I'm here. Albert Solomon, book lover.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Can you believe they think Adam's short story is about me?
Murray: Here, let me take a look. "It was blond and angry and was rude to waiters." No, this tracks.
Beverly: That could be anybody.
Murray: "The colorful sweaters and neon leggings hid the darkness in her heart."
Beverly: Why am I even discussing this? I've got shrimp Parm to make for dinner.
Murray: "She lured her victims with promises of cheesy seafood casserole."
Beverly: Yes, we all know. Clearly, it's me.

Quote from Barry

Lainey: Hey. You're doing a couple's costume with your sister, end of story.
Barry: No way! We already agreed to go as Harry and the Hendersons.
Lainey: We're supposed to be "When Harry Met Sally".
Barry: Yeah. You're Sally Henderson.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Hey.
Beverly: Don't "hey" me, mister. I found your little story.
Adam: Oh. Okay. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead or big-haired and blond is purely coincidental.

Quote from Erica

Geoff: I thought you had a date.
Erica: Lainey's cousin? Uh, no, his grandma's sick, too. She must have caught the same bug as Evy's grandma.
Geoff: I don't think you can catch slipping in a tub.
Erica: Well, we're not doctors.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: See, I showed your story to my book club.
They had some concerns. Not me, of course them.
Adam: Like what?
Beverly: The main character, the Veeberly, they think she should be more lovable.
Adam: What?!
Beverly: And kind. And snuggly.
Adam: Snuggly? For a horror story? That makes no sense.
Beverly: I don't know, I'm not a writer, but do that exactly. Type-y, type-y.
Adam: Oh, my God! You figured out the story was loosely based on you.
Beverly: "Loosely"? On page 2, you accidentally wrote "Beverly" instead of "Veeberly."

Quote from Beverly

Adam: It's just a story. It's no big deal.
Beverly: Well, I'm glad you feel that way, 'cause you're gonna change it all and make me a great mama. My friends think my own son sees me as a monster. Do you know how much that hurts me?
Adam: You realize what you're doing to me, right? You're "Misery-ing" me.
Beverly: That's not a word.
Adam: You're trapping me in my room and forcing me to make changes to my story, just like the crazy lady in Stephen King's book.
Beverly: Squishy, you can leave whenever you want, once you fix the story. Now, stop with the cockadoodie attitude and get to work! Yay.

Quote from Lainey

Lainey: Hey, sport. How you feeling?
Erica: Awful. Never felt so much like a Barry in my entire life.
Lainey: You do know he's my boyfriend and I love him, right?

Quote from Pops

Beverly: Mmmm not seeing a problem here.
Pops: In Adam's first story, Veeberly was a complex, three-dimensional character.
Beverly: What are you saying?
Pops: You inspired Adam you. It's the whole reason his writing worked.
Beverly: You mean I'm his muse?
Pops: Oh. No.
Beverly: I'm his muse.
Pops: Actually, Stephen King is his-
Beverly: My baby loves me and honors me with his words.
Pops: Not at all.
Beverly: I have to make this right.
Pops: No, Veeberly I-I mean Beverly. Ah, damn it.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You don't have to move the computer back down here. You can keep it in your room if you want.
Adam: Not so sure writing's for me.
Beverly: Well, I am.
Adam: You got Stephen King's actual address?
Beverly: I know a few yentas in Maine.
Adam: Eh, I'm not so sure Stevie King's gonna love "Schmoopie Loves Mommy."
Beverly: Oh, God, no! I'm sending him the Veeberly.
Adam: But I thought you hate it.
Beverly: Oh, I do. [chuckling] So much. But you keep writing about me, about this family. It may not all be true, but it's pretty darn good.
Adam: Thanks, Mama.

Quote from Barry

Barry: This is me rejoicing in your social failures. I know you have no date this Halloween, most romantic of all holidays.
Erica: Okay, I get it. You're here to bust balls, but please, I need you to cut me some slack.
Barry: Did you ever cut me slack during the last 16 years? Before I had Lainey, you tortured me for being the world's biggest loser.
Erica: Come on. I wasn't that bad.
Barry: You made a puppet out of a tube sock and told everyone it was my girlfriend.
Erica: [chuckles] Soxanne.
Barry: You wrote an op-ed in the school paper about what a loser I was.
Erica: I changed your name. No one knew that Gary Boldberg was you.
Barry: You spread a rumor about me dating the lunch lady. Doris is just a friend!

Quote from Barry

Erica: Oh, my God. You're right. I'm you. I'm the Barry.
Barry: "I'm the Barry"? What- What the hell does that mean?
Erica: You know the mopey loser, the Barry.
Barry: Okay, that is not what being the Barry means.
Erica: I don't want to be the Barry, but that's exactly what I am.
Barry: This is my moment of triumph. Don't feel sorry for yourself for being me.
Erica: I really do feel like a hopeless Barry, while you're happily living your life like anything but a Barry.
Barry: Okay, I am happy, but I'm not the Barry. [slurps] I mean, I am the Barry, but in a good way! Gah! Just shut up!


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