Adult Adam: As the JTP wished Barry would chill out, my mom was firing up the Festival of Lights.
Beverly: And amen. [blows]
Adam: We just had to sit through all that Hebrew jibber-jabber. Now where's our presents?
Beverly: Gotta start off Hanukkah with a bang. Tube socks! Tube socks! Tube socks!
Geoff: Hoo! These stripey bad boys will fit in all my shoes.
Erica: As your romantic partner, the sock excitement isn't working for me.
Geoff: I'm gonna do better.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, before social media, the only way to show off your family was with your annual holiday card. Yep. Matching sweaters and smiles sent to family and friends near and far. My mom always had a strong opinion.
Beverly: Who takes a picture in a field of cornflowers? We all know this is the park behind the interstate. No one thinks you have a summer home.
Adam: I'm gonna regret this, but they seem pretty happy.
Beverly: Well, so do lobsters before you boil them.
Pops: Who's boiling a lobster?

Beverly: These beautiful blond turds are not gonna outdo me this year. Uh-uh. No. The Goldbergs are having a professional holiday photo taken.
Murray: Nah.
Beverly: No "nah." You can't "nah." I "nah" your "nah."
Pops: Murray's right. You can't just force us to take a photo out of some sort of vindictive personal jealousy.
Beverly: That's why all photos are taken.

Beverly: [on the phone] No, no, no. The full package. No expenses spared. [chuckles] All right. [hangs up] I booked studio time. Yay!
Murray: Damn it! Why'd I choose to have a family?

Erica: Guess who's home for winter break!
Geoff: It's Erica, and she brought me and laundry.
Erica: Yep, I'm back, and it's time not to reconnect or catch up at all. I'm just gonna sleep and do nothing.
Adam: Not nothing, 'cause Mom's making us take a family photo.
Erica: Oh, no. [runs out] You never saw me!

Geoff: 'Tis the season to pre-treat some stains for my lady love.
Murray: You need to do some self-reflecting, kid.
Geoff: Oh, I'm going down!

Barry: Turn the black-and-white nonsense off. I demand we watch a true holiday classic... Lone Wolf McQuade.
Matt: Is that even a holiday movie?
Barry: Totally. It stars a jolly bearded man, Chuck Norris, who delivers joy to children by killing drug kingpins.
Andy: So, that's a no.
Barry: Time to kick our eyes with some action. Human remote! [exhales shakily] That was my copy of Lone Wolf McQuade.

Matt: So, you're gonna change your ways and become a better roommate?
Barry: Over some ticky-tack stuff, like wearing your shirts and socks and underwear?
Matt: What?
Naked Rob: Plus, when we talk, you always interrupt...
Barry: Silence, okay? You've made your mediocre case, JTP, and since it's the season of forgiveness, you'll be happy to know I forgive you for attacking me in my own home. [exits]
Matt: I apologize for using this language, but Barry's a crummy roommate.
Andy: It's like no matter what we say, he still wears our underwear.
Naked Rob: Tasty needs to be stopped.

Beverly: Now we discuss the most important part about Hanukkah.
Pops: Our people's struggle?
Beverly: Boring! Our family photo.
Erica: That's still a thing we're doing?
Beverly: Let these impossibly colorful sweaters be my answer.
Geoff: Socks and a sweater! It's no big deal.

Murray: No way am I squeezing into this itchy yarn vomit.
Geoff: I think it's beautiful. Not just the sweaters, but the fact that you're including me in your holiday card.
Erica: Yeah, that's not what's happening here.
Beverly: Geoff, that's Barry's sweater.
Geoff: Oh.
Beverly: But since you have it on, could you do me a favor and do something punchy and kicky so I can see if it has enough elasticity for my hyper monkey? [Geoff weakly kicks a leg out]
Pops: What is that?
Beverly: Okay, well, clearly, you're not into it, so why don't you just take it off, and I'll put it on the dog.
Geoff: Sure. Well, I hope you guys enjoy your... Family photo.
Adam: Erica, I think your boyfriend wants to be in our family for some reason. That makes me sad.
Erica: It makes us all sad, buddy.