Adam: Holy crap! Why'd you guys snatch me off the street like that?
Andy: What a rush! Now I get why kidnappers like this.
Naked Rob: Super awesome and dramatic, right?
Adam: Again, why am I here?
Andy: Well, we figured you lived with Barry your whole life basically problem-free.
Naked Rob: And since you know how to handle him better than anybody, we thought you'd have some suggestions on how to prank him.
Adam: You couldn't have just lobbed in a phone call? Gah!

Adam: Just take away the thing Barry loves most.
Andy: Caramel?
Matt: Knock-knock jokes?
Naked Rob: Apples with caramel?
Adam: For sure caramel. But more specifically, himself.
Andy: Oh, nice.
Matt: Of course.
Naked Rob: Could you be even more specific?
Andy: Yeah.
Matt: Yeah.
Adam: Barry's ego is so big. If you want to get back at him, make him feel like he doesn't matter.
Matt: You mean erase him from existence, like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life.
Adam: Yeah.

Barry: Oh, my God. [sighs] There's only one explanation for this.
Matt: You realize the error of your ways and you're ready to treat your roommates with kindness and respect?
Barry: I've been erased from history.
Andy: Oh, boy.
Naked Rob: That's your takeaway?
Barry: My dominance was never born.
Andy: Oh, he is taking this way harder than I thought.

Beverly: Geoff, stop. You are an important part of this family, and I'm sorry I didn't ask you to be in the picture. You're in.
Geoff: Oh, my God. This is such a big moment for me. I don't even know what to say.
Beverly: Say you'll pull it together. I don't need you puffy for when we take the pic that will devastate that Christmas clown Jinzy Kremp.
Geoff: I'm the favorite holiday boy now.
Beverly: Let me see your pearly whites, huh? Oh, yeah. Those are gonna shine up nicely.
Erica: Uh, what's going on in here?
Pops: Your mom's inspecting your boyfriend like he's some kind of show pony.
Geoff: It's invasive, but I'm gonna be in the photo!

Erica: What? No. You guys don't want him in the photo, right?
Beverly: Fine by me. Murray, you cool with it?
Murray: I've never cared less about anything in my life.
Geoff: We are going to be on all the fridges and mantels throughout the suburbs. It's happening!
Erica: [chuckles] It really is. So, so fast.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] The JTP had made Barry feel like he didn't even exist... ...so he was determined to get back at them in a way they would remember forever.
Barry: Where do we keep the rat poison?
Pops: Oh, no. Do we have a rat?
Barry: Three. My friends hurtfully pranked me, and now I want to even more hurtfully prank them back.
Pops: With poison?
Barry: Hilarious, I know, but I'm open to suggestions, just as long as it's something that destroys their lives and forever changes us all.

Barry: [air horn blares] Good morning, tired amigos.
Andy: What's with the horn, man? It's 6:00 a.m.
Barry: Apologies have no sense of time or place.
Matt: Oh, good. You're here to acknowledge the error of your ways, and you're ready to move forward as an equal respectful partner in our home.
Barry: Something like that. I even brought you all holiday gifts.
Andy: I don't understand. You were super angry and irrational yesterday.
Barry: But then my wise old grandpa suggested I stop this senseless cycle of pranking.
Matt: Good advice.

Naked Rob: What's in the boxes, Barry?
Barry: Just a little reminder of how I feel about you guys.
Andy: Ah, screw it. I'm going in. [chuckles] My dress slacks? [Barry chuckles] They're shredded.
Barry: You've been pranked!
Andy: I've got my sister's engagement dinner tonight.
Barry: I guess you'll have to hit the boys section of Sears.
Naked Rob: Dude, that's not a gift. That's just mean and destructive.

Barry: Finally, for my favorite person in the world, stupid Matt Bradley.
Murray: I don't wanna open mine.
Barry: Your instincts are good.
Matt: Is this my birth certificate or the last letter my grandfather wrote me?
Barry: Those are your last three paychecks from The Gap.
Matt: Now I don't have money for presents for my family.
Barry: [chuckles] It's even funnier than I thought! Whoo!
Naked Rob: Dude, this is way too far.
Andy: Yeah, you made Matt Bradley weep.
Matt: [voice breaking] I actually cry every day, but this one hurt.

Naked Rob: Barry, you need to get out.
Barry: Because I brought our prank war to its naturally devastating conclusion?
Andy: You're not just a horrible roommate. You're a horrible friend.
Matt: [normal voice] We're gonna go grab breakfast. When we get back, you need to be gone.
Barry: No! Guys, come back. How will I learn if you don't immediately forgive me and move on?