Adam: [As Darth Vader] Dave Kim, I am your father!
Dave Kim: Ha. Dude, no one's ever done that before.
Coach Mellor: And no one will ever do it again. Drop and give me 20 burpees. Now!

Adam: Uh, Coach, quick sidebar?
Coach Mellor: First of all, son, you got to take off the comedy glasses. We're not in clown school.
Adam: Sadly, these are not for hilarity, just to fix a lazy eye. On that note, I was thinking maybe Barry and I can be on the same team?
Coach Mellor: Or you can finally cast off your self-doubt and those orthopedic glasses and make your big bro suck it on the court of life.
Adam: Solid plan. However, my mom really wants us on the same team to avoid further damage to my growing body.
Coach Mellor: Son, the only reason Barry pummels you is because you let him. You got to to stop running and unleash the beast inside. And don't just do it for you. Do it for all the picked-on, little-dorkus brothers who cry "No more!" Now, are you gonna stand up and be a man or are you gonna cower behind your mommy?
[cut to:]
Beverly: You're pitting my babies against each other on purpose?! Unacceptable!
Adam: [whispering] I'm so sorry.

Erica: No, you hang up.
Geoff: No, you hang up.
Erica: No, you hang up.
Geoff: No, you hang up.
Erica: No, you hang up.
Geoff: No, you hang up.
Erica: No-
Other Erica: Oh, my god. You're actually ruining Peter Cetera for me. Just hang up already before I barf!

Beverly: I put up with your macho attitude, but when it affects my family, we got big problems.
Coach Mellor: All right, here's the deal. I, too, had a bully for an older brother, and, much like Adam, I never stood up to him. I was just too afraid.
Beverly: You, afraid?
Coach Mellor: You don't know Nick Mellor. When we were kids, he beat me at everything: football, powerlifting, Greco-Roman wrestling, riflery, downhill running, kites.
Beverly: Well, you're grown men now. Things change.
Coach Mellor: Well, not for us. Nick's the defensive coordinator at Villanova. And me? I'm just a glorified activities advisor with chicken-cutlet thighs.
Beverly: Stop. Your thighs are very large. Everyone says so.
Coach Mellor: The truth is, maybe if I'd stood up to Nick when we were younger I'd be a college coach and he'd be the one drying out these moldy old balls.

Adam: You know, it's one thing to mix in with your children. It's another when it's with enormous grown strangers.
Beverly: You may be right. Take five, guys. I've got orange slices and Kool-Aid here. Help yourselves. Ohh.
Coach Nick: Spit it out. What the hell do you think you're doing, Blondie?
Beverly: I'm here to bring the Mellor boys back together. It's time to fix things with Coach Rick, Coach Nick.

Srini: Such anger. Luckily, I have the perfect pamphlet for that.
Erica: Okay, seriously, do you have a pamphlet for everything?
Other Erica: Big-time. He gave me the one for divorced parents and something else that's totally cleared up now.

Erica: Look, I am not depressed or angry or in denial. I'm just in a long-distance relationship.
Srini: Oh, of course. All the signs were there. You're a textbook BORF!
Other Erica: For sure. Total BORF.
Erica: Okay, what the hell is a BORF?
Srini: It stands for "Boyfriend Obsessed Reject Freshman." That's you.
Erica: I am not a BORF!

Other Erica: It's not a bad thing, Erica. You're just that sad girl that stays on the phone with her loser boyfriend from high school 'cause she has no life.
Erica: That sounds very bad. I don't want to be a BORF! What do I do?
Other Erica: Come with me to the Delta Nu party. It's gonna be bonkers.
Erica: Yes! Bonkers. I am there. I'm just gonna call Geoff-
Srini: Mmm.
Erica: -is something that a BORF would say. I need help.
Srini: I'll get you a pamphlet.

Coach Nick: Yo! Coach Rick!
Coach Mellor: Coach Nick.
Coach Nick: We need to powwow. Take a knee.
Coach Mellor: This is my gym. You take a knee.
Coach Nick: Can't, I said "Take a knee" first, so, according to the laws of coaching, you got to take it.

Barry: Yes! I'm on the scary giant's team now. Barry Goldberg. Try to keep up.