Beverly: Murray, it's a stupid parking space. Stop being so stubborn!
Murray: Never! I will stay here forever. I will make this my home if I have to.

Dave Kim: I know I keep saying this, man, but I don't know about this, man.
Adam: Shut up, Dave Kim.
Adam: My only choice is to turn these obviously fake hickeys into a convincing paintball injuries.
[Paintball gun fires] Oh, balls! Balls! Oh, balls! It hurts. It hurts so bad! Next time, warn me.
Dave Kim: Thought it would be better to surprise you. Ready?
Adam: [Paintball gun fires] Ohh! It hurts worse. It's worse when you prepare! Don't let me prepare.
Go back to the other way. [Paintball gun fires] Oh, man! Manisewitz! [Paintball gun fires] Sorry! "Funky Cold Medina"! [Paintball gun fires] So sorry. Mommy! Mommy!

Barry: Dad, it has recently come to my attention that the Beach Boys concert mom invited me to 16 times was, in fact, Live Aid.
Murray: How about that?
Barry: Yes. "How about that?" indeed.
Murray: What the hell is that?
Barry: This, father, is a traditional mok jong, or as the uninitiated call it, a karate training post.
Murray: Well, why is it blocking "The Rockford Files."
Barry: See, I have achieved a rage so pure, so overwhelming, I have no choice but to channel it into this wooden thing for the next three hours.
Murray: This is gonna be a whole thing, isn't it?
Barry: Up windmill! Down windmill! Cross block! Hyah-hyah! Monkey steals the peach! Tiger climbs the tree!

Barry: Mom, you should practice fighting my wooden post. It took four hours, but I punched all the rage out of me.

Murray: Look. You're just as bad as me.
Beverly: Me stubborn?
Murray: When Adam gets a bad grade, who storms down to school and refuses to leave until they change it?
Beverly: Me, but-
Murray: And who had a two-hour standoff at the deli counter about how to slice turkey breasts?
Beverly: Our family only eats paper-thin meats.
Murray: And who argued about the warranty of a decade-old washing machine and somehow got it replaced?
Beverly: I didn't do those things for me, Murray. I did them for the people I love. So, yes, I'm stubborn when it comes to my family. But you? You're only stubborn for the things you want. And that's not just being stubborn. That's just being plain selfish.

Beverly: Not bad.
Murray: It's not as sizzly when you do them in the microwave. But I don't know how to work an oven, and I refuse to learn.

Erica: Why did you help me?
Adam: Look, Waffle Girl is just some random crush. I don't even know her name, and she thinks mine's Alan. But you and Geoff, that's the real deal.