Pop-Pop: My, uh, firstborn son, in whom I have great pride. Come, meet my new lady friend.
Murray: New lady friend? You don't have any friends or ladies or anything new, but what the heck. Hi!
Joyce: It's such a joy to meet Ben's beautiful family. I'll go pull the car around.
Pop-Pop: Right.
Barry: Pop-Pop, what is a gentle and kind lady doing with, you know, this?
Pop-Pop: She enjoys my sparkling personality and thinks I'm a family man.
Murray: So you lied to her?
Pop-Pop: Big time. [chuckles] I got a good reason. I love her shape.
Adam: She's gonna see right through you when you try and play tennis today.
Pop-Pop: I'm way ahead of you on that one. I'm gonna twist my ankle before and then we're gonna go make out in her Buick.
Adam: Why?
Barry: Old people don't deserve happiness.
Pop-Pop: All right, I haven't been exactly forthright with her, but we're happy. Now, come on. I need this.
Murray: Well, it doesn't concern me, so... [groans]
Pop-Pop: Great, because I'm gonna bring her to Thanksgiving, and I need you guys to keep up the ruse.

Erica: Linda, we're taking back Thanksgiving.
Linda Schwartz: Oh, no, thank you. I like that it was stolen from me last-minute. Keeps me on my toes, and my doctor says I need to stand more.
Erica: Doesn't it bother you that my mom bulldozes her way to whatever she wants?
Linda Schwartz: Well, there is one worry. She will keep us from spending time with you and, eventually, our grandkids.
Erica: She totally will. And not just holidays, every day. You may never see them. Do you remember when she borrowed your hand mixer?
Linda Schwartz: Oh, no. I can't have pancakes or grandchildren?
Erica: Yeah, you're overreacting, but there is a way. See, Beverly Goldberg only respects power and confidence.
Linda Schwartz: I only have one of those. I mean none.
Erica: Nothing's ever gonna change until you face her and don't back down.
Linda Schwartz: I don't know.
Erica: I do. You are strong, you are powerful, and you deserve what's yours. Now, go take back your damn holiday.
Linda Schwartz: I can, and I will.

Erica: You want to take Thanksgiving from Linda, fine. But just know that if you go through with this, you won't be celebrating it with me.
Beverly: Excuse me?
Erica: You heard me. I will be celebrating at the Schwartzes', and you will enjoy a lonely Thanksgiving without your original schmoopy-poo.
Beverly: You wouldn't.
Erica: Try me.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was a standoff, but my sister knew my mom would never risk a Schmoo-less Thanksgiving.
Beverly: Fine!
Erica: Yes! And since you won't be needing it, Beverly, I'll be taking that turkey.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Erica tried to wrestle Thanksgiving back from my mom, Barry and I were pinning down a plan of our own.
Adam: Dad, we got a question.
Murray: Not now. There's a guy who kind of looks like Pat Sajak on America's Most Wanted.
Adam: We were thinking, if Pop-Pop insists on us helping him mislead Joyce into thinking he's a nice guy, we should get something out of it.
Murray: Like a lifetime of love and respect?
Adam: More like 20 bucks.
Murray: So you're gonna extort your grandfather? Fine. Just leave me out of it.

Pop-Pop: We've come to visit and whatnot.
Adam: There's where we get all our wisdom!
Pop-Pop: Hey!
Barry: [chuckles] We missed you, cherished grandpappy.
Joyce: Look how much they love you.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, that was nice. And embracing me, that was... welcome.
Adam: Physical affection comes naturally to him

Joyce: Murray, what about you? Do you have any Thanksgiving traditions with your dad?
Murray: Well, let me think. Uh... no.
Joyce: I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong?
Pop-Pop: No, no, no. Everything is peachy. That's Murray's dry sense of humor. He's... He's my funny boy.
Murray: Whatever this is, I hate it.
Pop-Pop: We have a lot of Thanksgiving traditions.
Murray: Oh, yeah?
Pop-Pop: We watch the football game together.
Murray: You mean you made me go in my room and listen to it on the radio.
Pop-Pop: So we could compare experiences after.
Murray: And after the game, you'd go for your cigar walk.
Pop-Pop: Well, sure. I couldn't smoke around Prince Murray and his asthma.
Murray: Another possibility? You're a liar.
Pop-Pop: And you were an annoying kid.
Murray: And there it is, anger, yelling, and pettiness, your real Thanksgiving tradition.

Joyce: You know what? I-I think I should go.
Pop-Pop: No, wait, Joyce. [chuckles] No, no. We're just having fun here.
Joyce: Yeah, but I'm not. [walks off]
Pop-Pop: How could you mess this up for me?
Murray: You had years to play the loving dad. You messed that up all on your own.
Barry: It's probably for the best. Joyce's eyes were, like, all over me.

Linda Schwartz: Hello, Bev.
Beverly: Linda. I thought I would drop off my triple-cheese shrimp au gratin so there's something decent to eat.
Erica: [o.s.] Just bring it in the kitchen!
Beverly: Erica? The hell's this?
Erica: I'm helping Linda with Thanksgiving prep. Creamy sweet peas, Lou's favorite.
Beverly: Oh, are those matching aprons?
Both: Two peas in a pod. [both chuckle]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] While she may not have been cooking Thanksgiving dinner, watching Erica and Linda bond in the kitchen...
Beverly: I have to go.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] ...made my mom boil over.

Beverly: Maybe my Thanksgivings just aren't what they used to be. Cheesy shrimp au gratin. Ugh! That's not gonna keep her coming home to Mama.
Mr. Glascott: Fudge and crackers! Thanksgiving's at the Schwartzes'? My candle was an attempt to snag an invite to your Turkey Day. Why can't there be two Thanksgivings?
Beverly: [gasps] Wait a minute. Clear out your Wednesday. You're invited to a nosh.
Mr. Glascott: Hot damn! The candle worked.
Beverly: [sniffs] It's perfect.

Pop-Pop: I told you girls already, I don't want anything from Samoa, especially a cookie.
Adam: [o.s.] Pop-Pop, open up! It's us. [knock on door] We feel really bad about any part we had in your break-up with Joyce.
Pop-Pop: I was alone for decades before Joyce. I'll be alone for decades after.
Adam: Don't say that. There are other women out there.
Pop-Pop: Not like Joyce. She was perfect. Nice figure, she didn't think she was better than me, and she lived within a 50-foot radius.
Barry: Why don't you try and win her back?
Pop-Pop: Win her back? She's not an object. She's a smoking-hot broad with a caboose that never stops chugging.
Barry: Caboose?
Adam: Ugh, ignoring that. We'll help you. Barry and I have a rich history of grand, romantic gestures.
Pop-Pop: Guess it couldn't make it any worse.
Adam: That's almost the spirit.