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26Quotes from ‘12 Tapes for a Penny’

The Goldbergs: 12 Tapes for a Penny

318. 12 Tapes for a Penny

Aired March 16, 2016

Adam learns about a mail-order music club and sets up a scheme to get as many tapes as possible, but Beverly believes Erica is behind it all. Meanwhile, Barry works on getting the approval of Bill, Lainey’s father, but he refuses to budge.

Quote from Lainey

Lainey: Ugh. I hate it when my dad talks golf with my ex. They used to do it all the time when we dated.
Barry: Your dad liked him while you two were dating? I thought he hated me 'cause I'm your boyfriend.
Lainey: Oh, sweetie, no. My dad hates you as, like, a person. You being my boyfriend is just a happy coincidence.

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Quote from Pops

Pops: Wow. That's a whole lot of music cassettes. How did you get the money for all that?
Adam: Do you want to ask questions? Or do you want a little Neil Diamond?
Pops: I saw nothing.
Adam: Good answer.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Being a caddy sucks. All Bill wants me to do is wash his balls and hold his bag. It's funny but hard work.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: There's my baby. I made you your favorite Cheeseburger lasagna.
Erica: Pass. I don't want to get blamed if you burn it, so I'll just eat a lunchable.
Beverly: But those are for lunch. It's the wrong meal.

Quote from Adam

Adam: My god! How did you get all those tapes on a lawn mower's salary?
Dave Kim: They got this catalog filled with albums, and they just give you 12 tapes for a penny.
Adam: That deal defies all reason.

Quote from Adam

Erica: Sure, you get a bunch of tapes up front, but then you enter into a contract to order more for full price. In the end, Columbia house always comes for you.
Adam: Man, I bet they have like ex-Navy seals to collect their money.
Erica: I think you're giving them too much credit.

Quote from Adam

Adam: What if I give Columbia house a fake name and take the 12 tapes?
Erica: Well, it's illegal, but very clever.
Adam: Yes. Then let's do this.
Erica: As much as I would love to commit mail fraud with you, Mom's really been on my back lately.
Adam: Aw, come on. Commit a felony with me. It'll be a good bonding experience, or at the very least a cautionary tale.

Quote from Barry

Bill Lewis: Lainey! The scream-y kid with the crazy eyebrows is here.
Barry: Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary.
Bill Lewis: Anniversaries are for years, not months, so you're celebrating nothing. Let me see your wallet.
Barry: Here, take it.
Bill Lewis: $6? Where do you plan to take her tonight? A vending machine at a bus station?
Barry: Oh, it's fine. She usually pays.

Quote from Barry

Bill Lewis: Nothing like a cold one after work, am I right?
Barry: Amen to that, brother! Love me the old brew ha-ha, nectar of the gods, foam hammer, wheat and greet, little truth water, golden problem solver, beer. Move over, rover.
Bill Lewis: Are you telling me you drink?
Barry: No!
Bill Lewis: You just said you love cold suds. So which is it? Are you a lush or a liar?
Murray: He's a moron.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Why?
Barry: I'm probably being a little paranoid, but it kind of seems like Bill hates my living guts.
Murray: Hoo-hoo. He sure does.
Barry: I don't get it. Mom says I'm literally a human ray of sunshine.
Murray: Your mom's a nice lady, but she's done some real damage to you.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I've had a revelation. Why create one fake name and get 12 tapes, when you can create infinite fake names and get all the tapes?
Erica: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Adam: I've thought of everything, Erica. See, Columbia house has agents everywhere looking to collect their money. But I'll be one step ahead of them with this. Each of my phony identities has elaborately fleshed-out backstories that I've completely committed to memory.
Erica: Optimus O'Prime? Really, dude? Whose first name is Optimus?
Adam: This guy. He's a 41-year-old truck driver who spends his long nights on the road jamming to the soft-rock stylings of Chicago.
Erica: Ugh, why?
Adam: Because I'm playing god, Erica. Meet Dr. Garth Vaderstein. He's got asthma and issues with his son. He's also got an insane love of Hall & Oates.
Erica: Well, we all have hobbies.
Adam: Next, meet Stu Voltron, age 43. He's a divorced veterinarian. The only thing he loves more than animals? Billy Joel.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Come on, Dad. You're Bill's best friend. Just talk to him for me.
Murray: Talk? We mostly sit in comfortable silence and drink.
Barry: You never once told him how cool or funny or athletic I am?
Murray: You know, it's never come up, and I don't think it ever will.
Barry: Can you at least tell him how good I am at getting all the shampoo out of my hair in the shower?
Murray: As a favor to you, no.
Barry: Did you tell him how I can palm a volleyball?
Murray: No, 'cause you can't do it consistently.
Barry: Tell him how good I am at all-you-can-eat shrimp. That red lobster hates me. Tell him.

Quote from Beverly

Postal Worker: Got a package for Papa Smurfenstein.
Beverly: I think you've got the wrong address.
Postal Worker: I suppose that means there's also no Inspector Gidget?
Beverly: No.
Postal Worker: Gary Grayskull?
Beverly: No.
Postal Worker: Snake Plotkin?
Beverly: No.
Postal Worker: Ivan Drago?
Beverly: No.
Postal Worker: John Mcclaneberg?
Beverly: No.
Postal Worker: Hulk Hulkerstein?
Beverly: No.
Postal Worker: General Zod?
Beverly: No.
Postal Worker: Jean Claude Van Thunderdome?
Beverly: What's going on?
Postal Worker: Let me guess. You have teenagers? Well, one of them's been using a lot of fake names to get free tapes.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Or we go to the Eagles-Cowboys game. 50-yard line, root for America's team?
Bill Lewis: I thought you were a Diehard Eagles fan.
Barry: Until I discovered the cowboys, my other favorite team, which happens to be yours.
Bill Lewis: You're gonna turn on The Eagles just like that? Son, don't you have any spine at all?
Barry: No. But you know what I do have? Matching bucket hats!
Bill Lewis: Why?
Murray: Oh, no.
Barry: 'Cause you love Bob Denver. You know, Gilligan, from the island.
Bill Lewis: What?
Barry: He's my favorite, too.
Bill Lewis: I don't like Bob Denver. I like John Denver.
Barry: Is there a difference?
Murray: Oh, no.
Bill Lewis: Yes, one is folk icon who melts my heart. The other is a scrawny weirdo who couldn't close with ginger or Mary Ann.
Barry: [laughing] I totally know the difference. I'm just busting chops. I just got you this hat so your head won't burn.
Bill Lewis: Are you calling me bald?
Barry: No, you have a beautiful head of hair. On the sides. You look like a judge.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Well, it's almost tee time. Come on, Barry. You're gonna come with us today.
Bill Lewis: He is?
Murray: I am?
Murray: Yeah, I invited the boy to join us.
Bill Lewis: You did?
Barry: You did?
Murray: Yeah, Barry and I play golf all the time. It's our thing.
Barry: I've never golfed with you, not once.
Murray: Moron, I'm doing you a solid. Don't blow this.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Ah, golf. The sport of kings. And queens. Equal rights. I respect your foxy daughter. No, not foxy. She's an uggo to me. Not everyone else. They all think she has an awesome, plump butt.
Bill Lewis: What the [bleep] man?
Murray: [to Barry] Okay, you're trying way too hard.
Barry: I get it, be myself.
Murray: No, don't do that either.

Quote from Barry

Bill Lewis: Starting to see why you call him moron so much.
Murray: Yeah, well, the thing is he's the sweetest moron you'd ever want to meet. And he loves your daughter. So much that he'd do anything to impress you.
Barry: I'm feeling around with my feet. It's mostly old golf balls and something with scales that's not afraid of humans.
Murray: So, please, cut the kid some slack.
Barry: Ohh! I think I drowned a little. It was a very peaceful feeling. I saw my old Gerbil. I'm going back in.

Quote from Erica

Beverly: Honey.
Erica: Go away. I'm trying to enjoy my four crackers and ham square.


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