Will: No, check it out. On the serious tip, you got to fix our air conditioner today. We got some people coming over for a party. And as good hosts, we'd prefer that they didn't melt.
Philip: Sorry, Uncle Phil has left the building. You're now talking to landlord Banks and he's not fixing anything until he gets his rent.
Carlton: You'll get the rent when we get the air.
Philip: What did you say?
Carlton: I'm sorry, was I talking out loud?
Will: You know what, Uncle Phil? Forget it, you win. We'll just move our little somethin'-somethin' from inside to poolside.
Philip: Oh, no, you don't. No rent, no pool, no party, no nothing.
Carlton: What does he mean by "no nothing"?
Will: Oh, don't worry about it, it's a double negative.

Will: Girl, let me tell you, switching this to a pool party was a stroke of genius.
Gayle: Why do you say that?
Will: Oh, couple of reasons. Girl, I got to tell you, that suit look like a piece of "good God" wrapped up in some "have mercy" with a side of: "Oomph!"
Gayle: Really? I mean, you don't think it's too revealing?
Will: Well, if it is, your secret's safe with me. You know? You know? Come on, let's get out of this heat before I pop something, you know.

Philip: Will, I am going back in the house, and when I come out I want all of these people gone.
Will: Well, they will be if you come out in the morning, Uncle Phil.
Philip: [chuckles] Wait, wait. Let me get this straight, young man. You are telling me what will or will not happen in my own house?
Will: Excuse me, but this is my house. I pay rent here too, eventually.
Philip: You watch how you talk to me.
Will: Well, then, Uncle Phil, stop treating me like a child.
Philip: Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking to a man.
Will: That's right. It's me, Will Smith.
Philip: Oh, well.
Will: Man.
Philip: I guess you're ready to play a man's game, huh? All right, Will, if that's the way you want it.
Will: Don't come back, neither.

Will: G, listen, how upset was Uncle Phil last night?
Geoffrey: Well, he did something I've never seen him do in all the years I've been here.
Will: What, a sit-up?
Geoffrey: It's a bit more serious than that, I'm afraid. You know the cherry cheesecake, candied yams, barbecued ribs left over from yesterday?
Carlton: Yeah.
Will: [gasps] Oh, my goodness, it's still there.
Carlton: Oh, I'm afraid. Hold me, Will.

Bailiff: This is the last case of the day, number 1218 Phillip Banks v. Will Smith and Carlton Banks for nonpayment of rent.
Judge: Philip, I can't believe you're suing your own son and nephew.
Philip: Oh, relax, Lois, this is just a little lesson in responsibility. They're probably not gonna show up. In fact, they're probably home now, preparing their apologies.
[Will and Carlton enter the courtroom in fine suits carrying briefcases]
Judge: Looks like they've prepared more than an apology.

Judge: Mr. Banks, will you please call your first witness.
Philip: I don't have a witness.
Will: I do, Your Honor.
Judge: Fine. Mr. Smith, call your first witness.
Will: Your Honor, I'd like to call someone who's not afraid to tell the truth no matter what landlord Banks might do to him. Someone who knows the plaintiff intimately. Like a son, one might say.
Carlton: Oh, that's great, Will, who do we have?
Will: You, dummy.

Carlton: "The night was hot, forcing our party outdoors. Will Smith, who is neat, considerate and responsible smile at me, was having" Smile at me? Oh, I get it. [smiles]
Will: No further questions, Your Honor.
Philip: Hold it. I'd like to cross-examine the witness, Your Honor.
Carlton: All right, I'm guilty! I'm guilty!
Philip: That will be all.
Judge: You may step down.
Philip: Welcome to my turf.

Will: Oh, please! Your Honor, that is not the way it went down.
Judge: How did it go down, Mr. Smith?
Will: I'm glad you asked me that question. Check it out, the night was so hot people was pulling up on camels, right?

Carlton: We're going to appeal this decision. I intend to cite the landmark case of Rhode Island v. Schechter Poultry.
Philip: Carlton, that has to do with the right to hang dead chickens in a butcher-shop window.
Carlton: Well, then, you see where I'm going with this.