Nicky: How can Geoffrey be your dad if he was never married?
Will: Okay, I'll talk to him. Well, you see, Nicky, sometimes the stork's arms get real tired, right? He pretty much leave the baby wherever he at.
Philip: Will.
Will: All right.
Philip: Get. Thank you. Well, Nicky, sometimes the stork's map gets all scrunched up.

Ashley: Yeah, at least stay for dinner.
Philip: Of course he can stay, Geoffrey.
Carlton: In the pool house with us. It'll be fun. We'll stay up late, play Clue and try on each other's jackets. [laughs]
Frederick: I think it sounds like a ripping good time. Say, do you have any Tom Jones records?
Carlton: Do I?!

Hilary: Oh, look at this picture from my kindergarten class. Oh, I was darling, wasn't I?
Philip: Aw, you sure were.
Hilary: [laughs] Who is this poor little homely child next to me?
Philip: Uh, sweetheart, that was you.
Hilary: What? You always said...
Philip: I know. I know. But the first time you looked at these, you cried so hard that we lied to you. We said you were the cute little girl next to you. But eventually, your teeth straightened out and you grew into your nose, just like we said.
Hilary: You mean, you lied to me? You told me I was pretty when I wasn't?
Philip: Well...
Hilary: Thank you. You really do love me.

Hilary: I think it's so great you're not, like, totally embarrassed that your father has to do all the stuff in people's lives that's too disgusting for them to do themselves. No offense, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: None taken, Miss Hilary. I always consider the source.
Hilary: How sweet.

Will: What's up, man? What, no goodbye? No, "Let's keep in touch"? You know, I thought you were such a gentleman. Give me that check right now.
Frederick: It's not yours. This has nothing to do with you, Will. This is between me and my father.
Will: What, were you just sitting around one day sipping tea and crumpets and just decided: "Hey, I'm gonna fly halfway around the Earth to go steal from the father that I don't even know"?
Frederick: I don't call it stealing. I call it getting what's owed to me. Now, if you'll excuse me, my plane is boarding.
Will: You know what's a real pity? That you don't even know the kind of man that you're walking away from. You keep that money, you're losing something way more valuable.
Frederick: Is that right?
Will: Yeah, that is right. Geoffrey's the kind of guy that when you down... Yeah, he'll pretty much kick you. No, no, I'm saying though, it's like you come home late, you know, to the crib you don't want your parents to know, Geoffrey... will dime you out.
Frederick: This is the man you're defending.
Will: Yes. He's also the man whose eyes welled up with pride when you walked through that door. He's also the man that can't stop bragging about you to all his butler friends. The man that didn't hesitate to empty out his life savings for his so-called son. But you know what? You go ahead. You got a flight to catch.

Will: Alright, let's have it, what's your name, boy?
Ashley: Where are you from?
Carlton: And where did you get that outstanding cashmere jacket?
Frederick: I know this is quite a shock. I'm sorry for startling you, Father.
Geoffrey: Uh, let's put a pin in this father thing for the time being. I'm sure you're a nice enough lad, but I have no son. So let's see, the YMCA is downtown. Open for business. There's a church next door. If you'll sit through a sermon you can eat for free. Bye-bye. Ta-ta. Cheerio.

Frederick: Wait, I can prove it. You're allergic to peanuts.
Geoffrey: Many are.
Frederick: Your middle name is Barbara.
Geoffrey: Lucky guess.
Will: Barbara? [laughs]
Geoffrey: It's a family name.
Frederick: Okay. You have a tattoo of the Queen Mum on your...
Geoffrey: Oh, my God.

Frederick: By the time Mom knew she was pregnant, you'd already left for America. But everything turned out fine. We live in a small flat in Kensington. I enjoy riding, cricket and books about the sea.
Will: Yo, he got the same interests as Miss July.
Frederick: Well, it was nice meeting you, but I should be going. I need to check into a motel for the night.
Geoffrey: Motel? Nonsense. I insist you stay here. My house is your house. That is, my room and half a shelf in the refrigerator.

Frederick: Thanks for taking me with you.
Carlton: Oh, you had gorgeous women literally climbing all over you today. You're even better than Will. How'd you do it?
Frederick: Well, I'm sure the ladies were merely charmed by my accent.
Jazz: Man, you gotta teach me how to talk that English stuff.
Frederick: No problem, Jazz. I hope I didn't cramp your style today, Will.
Will: Who me? Man, I got plenty of honeys to choose from. Shoot.
Frederick: You know, in England we call pool "snooker."
Jazz: Snooker. [laughs] Man, the way this guy talk cracks me up. What y'all people call this?
Frederick: A clock.
Jazz: [British accent] "A clock." [chuckles] I gotta remember that.

Geoffrey: Teaspoon. Soupspoon. Salad fork. Dinner fork.
Carlton: [enters] Frederick, my man. Pip-pip.
Will: You look like an ass.
Carlton: I'll have you know, this is a bona fide British bowler and bumbershoot. I don't know which is which, but I paid good money for the set.