Carlton: [on the phone] Look, mesdemoiselles, un petit change of plans for tonight. Instead of you coming over here, we're going to rendezvous at your hotel.
Will: [also on the phone] All right. But, please, baby. Baby, listen. Can I talk for a second, baby? It's just that, you know, somebody kind of dropped by the mansion you know, unexpectedly, you know. So we... Who dropped by?
Carlton: Aunt Helen.
Will: What? No. You thought he said Aunt Helen? No, no. He said Van Halen.
Carlton: Well, not to worry, my little chocolate truffles. You can come by tomorrow night. Prince and Hammer are coming by to play Yahtzee. [Uncle Phil walks in]
Will: Oh, sorry, gotta go. Barry White's here.

Carlton: Dad, call me optimistic but I'm sure you'll still make it to the jazz festival. Aunt Helen's probably blown this whole thing out of proportion.
Philip: Well, you're probably right. Smith women tend to do that. I remember one day I came home from work after a really rough time. I think we were having meatloaf for dinner. Anyway, your Aunt Vivian was really furious at me because I forgot to mention her dress, or... [looks down at the Saran Wrap] Oh, my God! Vivian!

Philip: Vivian, sweetheart, come here, please. Hurry. Come on.
Vivian: There is no more Saran Wrap and Baggies are out of the question.

Geoffrey: Excuse me, Mrs. Lewis, but you have a visitor.
Aunt Helen: Me? Who is it?
Geoffrey: Your husband, Mr. Lewis. [to Lester] Sir, I hope you brought your protective cup.
Lester: Sweetie pie, get your bags. The taxi's waiting.
Aunt Helen: Would someone please inform Action Jackson over there that I'm not going anywhere with him?
Lester: But, Helen, you're my wife. If you refuse to leave with me you know what I'm gonna have to do.
Will: Drag her home by her extensions?
Lester: Nope. I'm gonna stay right here with you until you change your mind. [Will, Carlton and Phil groan]

Aunt Helen: Good old Aunt Jemima. Now, that's a strong woman. I never saw her with a man.
Will: Actually, I hear that she and the Quaker Oats dude got kind of a Jungle Fever thing going.

Lester: Baby, I know things aren't going perfect, but why did you leave me? Was it because I left my wet underwear hanging on your wig stand?
Will: Wrong, but an interesting concept.
Lester: Then what was it? The time I took that picture of you on the toilet?
Hilary: That's it. I am never getting married.
Philip: Lester, perhaps you'd like to continue this conversation in private.
Carlton: How about if you continued it at home? I'll get your bags.
Will: You know what? In fact, forget your bags, we'll mail them to you. Just go, you crazy kids in love.

Aunt Helen: I apologize. This is no way for civilized people to behave in someone else's home.
Philip: No need to, Helen.
Aunt Helen: It won't happen again.
Philip: Good. Now, shall we just enjoy the rest of Geoffrey's meal?
Aunt Helen: Amen to that. Hilary, would you please ask the adulterer on your right to pass the biscuits?
[Philip picks up the basket to pass it to Helen]
Philip: What?

Aunt Helen: Will, would you turn down the- [sees Will with Lester] Get away from him, Will. You don't owe him anything. I'm the one who signed his name to all your damn birthday cards.
Will: Well, Aunt Helen, look, Uncle Lester got something to tell you. The woman that he's been seeing, she's not no regular woman she's a doctor.
Aunt Helen: A doctor! Oh, that's good! A doctor! Well, this'll give you a reason to see more of her, Lester. [throws books at Lester]

Aunt Helen: What the hell is going on?
Will: "Gee, Will, where were you when you were supposed to be with two luscious French girls?" "l was trapped in a bathroom with my naked aunt."

Aunt Helen: Oh, I hope you two aren't upset about missing the jazz festival.
Vivian: Oh, don't be ridiculous. What's important is that you and Lester are back together again.
Lester: Right on.
Vivian: Besides, I'm sure it'll never happen again.
Aunt Helen: No. Because we love each other too much.
Philip: No. Because we're moving and we're not gonna tell you where.