Vivian: Geoffrey, start buffing the silver.
Geoffrey: What the hell's your problem? You got bricks in your butt, you clown? Right away, madam.

Geoffrey: Your milk, Master Carlton.
Carlton: Thank you, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: How's our stock doing?
Will: Up 300%.
Geoffrey: Yee - and might I add - haw!

Will: Hey, man, you know what I'm gonna do with my share of the money? I'm gonna go out and get my very own team. It's between the Raiderettes and the Laker Girls.
Carlton: You can't buy love, Will.
Will: Man, what you talking about? I don't want love. I just want them to follow me around saying, "Go, Will. Get busy."

Male voice: [on TV] This just in. Westworld Airlines has just filed for a Chapter 1 1.
Will: Whoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Aah! [laughs] Carlton?
Carlton: Yes, Will?
Will: That ain't a good thing, is it?
Carlton: No, Will.
Will: We're in trouble, ain't we?
Carlton: Yes, Will. We just lost everything.
Carlton: Oh, my God! How're we gonna get Mom's bracelet back?
Will: Come on, man. Don't panic.
Carlton: Too late. Dad knows. No Harvard. Dead end. "Paper or plastic?"

Carlton: $24, $25. Gosh. Who'd have thought they'd pay you so little for selling your blood? How do you feel, Will?
Will: l'm fine. [flops onto the couch]
Carlton: Oh, buck up. You only have to give blood 50 more times to get Mom's bracelet back.
Will: There's gotta be an easier way, man. If I could just get them classifieds.
Carlton: You're not gonna hit me with this, are you?
Will: I'd like to. But I see three of you, and I don't know which one to hit.

Carlton: Face it, Will. You're not gonna find a job in there. What are you qualified to do besides flirt with women and dance to loud, primitive music?
Will: "Male strippers wanted." Bingo.
Carlton: Will, tell me you're joking. Even you, with your depraved, working-class morality wouldn't stoop so low.
Will: "Earn up to $500 a night."
Carlton: Shake that groove thing.

Carlton: So, did you get the stripper job or not?
Will: Does David Duke shop white sales? They said I was a natural, man. They're gonna call me with my first gig.
Carlton: Hold up, Will. Granted, we're desperate for money but maybe you should stop and think of what kind of life you'd be leading.
Will: Yeah, you're right, C. Dancing around in some cheap club while women put dollars down my underpants. I love this country.

Vivian: Ashley, sweetie, we are going to the Diamond League dinner at the Gingham Turtle restaurant. Here's the address and phone number in case there's an emergency. Okay?
Ashley: Mom, I'm 13 years old. I can take care of myself.
Hilary: That's what Drew Barrymore said.

Philip: No dates, no charge cards, no television, no movies, no phone calls... no food!
Carlton: Sir, permission to beg, sir.
Philip: What?
Carlton: I'm deeply, deeply sorry about the unfortunate stripping incident. I just wanna say it's all his fault.
Will: What? Look, come on, Uncle Phil. I mean, I'm sure you did something like this when you were a kid. Maybe not.

Philip: I think you two owe Hilary an apology. Your behavior tonight cost her an invitation to join the Diamond League and meet some nice young men and you know how much that meant to me. I mean, her.
Hilary: It's okay, Daddy. The more time I spent with those women the more I realized they're not my kind of people. I don't want to have anything to do with them.
Vivian: Oh, honey, I am so proud of you.
Geoffrey: Mrs. DeWynter.
Mrs. DeWynter: Hilary, darling. Why did you run off like that? I wanted to invite you to join the Diamond League.
Hilary: I'd love to!