Will: The current owner has to sell quick. We can make a killing on this.
Philip: Is the floorshow over yet?
Will: I get the feeling you're not taking me seriously, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Oh, well, I'm sorry, Whoopi. But I can assure you that Donald Trump does not negotiate business deals playing a ukulele and wearing a Bullwinkle hat.
Will: Okay, okay. Point well taken, Uncle Phil. But facts are facts. And if you just look at the figures, I'll leave.
Philip: Okay, I'll look. Okay, I'm looking. I'm looking. I looked, now leave.

Geoffrey: Excuse me, but someone's in trouble.
Carlton: Ah, that's more like it. [laughs] He's right over here, officer.
Sheriff: Philip Banks?
Philip: I'm Philip Banks.
Sheriff: It's been a pleasure serving you.
Carlton: Well, what is it, big guy?
Philip: Well... Apparently, I'm the owner of housing that has substandard living conditions.
Hilary: I told you to get a big-screen TV.
Philip: Not this house. Chalet Towers. The tenants have filed a suit against me.
Ashley: What does that mean?
Philip: It means that I'm a slumlord thanks to Will.
Will: [coughing] Excuse me, my beeper. [runs off]

Will: Aw, man, I don't know what all these complaints is about. This place ain't that bad. [door falls through]
Carlton: Find something nice to say about that.
Will: I think I killed a rat.

Philip: Well, that's enough, you two. We got a long day ahead of us. Gotta meet with the tenants and get some repairmen up here.
Carlton: You know, Dad, if it wasn't for Will, you would never have had to set foot in this hellhole.
Philip: Hey, don't worry about me, son. Remember, I wasn't born rich. I know how to rough it.
Geoffrey: Could someone grab the cappuccino maker?
Will: Got it, G.
Geoffrey: Thank you, Master William.
Will: Well, Uncle Phil, the only way it could get rough now is if Geoffrey forgot your croissants.

Philip: Would you just set things up? I'd like to get this mess cleaned up before the word gets out.
Carlton: Too late, big guy. The slumlord allegations made the morning paper.
Geoffrey: Good Lord, some unscrupulous person must have tipped off the press for a tidy sum. [smiles]

Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, let's look at the bright side here. Eh? Now our little penthouse got central air. Whoosh. Ventilation.
Carlton: Oh, yeah. That will have the tenants just flocking in. And so will this. [crunching] You allow pets.

Philip: Carlton, let's get a move on. While Will's calling, we'll check everything. We might as well start from the roof, work our way down.
Carlton: Right behind you, big guy.
Will: Oh, I bet you are, Carlton. Because you can't kiss his butt from here.
Geoffrey: Good one, Master William. [laughs]

Will: Oh, well, look at this. A cracked mirror, peeling paint. I mean, come on, all this stuff is cosmetic. I still think we got ourselves a sound investment here.
Carlton: [o.s.] Dad, come over here. What kind of idiot would patch the roof with newspaper?
[Uncle Phil screams as he falls through the roof]

Will: What took you so long? And what's up with the carpenters?
Carlton: Oh. Didn't you hear? Their new hits collection comes out next week.
Will: [imitating Carlton] Oh. Well, jeez Louise, we better rush down and wait in line right now.
Carlton: You don't have to tell me twice. Hey, are you having fun with me?
Will: [normal voice] Very little.

Philip: So how are you two doing?
Carlton: Not bad, all things considered. In fact, this week was kind of invigorating. Which reminds me, I think I'm gonna go freshen up. I think I saw a hydrant on the corner and now I know how to use a wrench.