Ashley: Daddy, why don't you hear Will out? He might say something you like.
Philip: Well, I guess you're right. My father always said there's no such thing as a bad idea.
Carlton: Yes. But your father never heard about fried-chicken-flavored aspirin. What did you call it again, Will?
Will: Rotisserie-gold-icillin.
Carlton: And let's not forget about his beepers that cough.
Will: Oh, now, wait a minute. That one could've worked. You just never thought it through enough, Uncle Phil. See, now check this out, you're sitting in a movie theater, your beeper go off. Instead of hearing beep, beep, beep, beep, you hear: [coughing and snorting] See? That's a lot less annoying, right?

Carlton: Good Lord, who knows what kind of vermin are in here?
Jazz: How do?
Philip: I don't have time for you, Jazz. I have to meet with the head of the tenants association.
Jazz: Okay. But before I go, this'll make you laugh. Knock, knock.
Philip: Who's there?
Jazz: The head of the tenants association. That's me.
Will: But wait a minute. Jazz, you mean you're the person that's suing my uncle? Man, what were you thinking about?
Jazz: I'm just trying to protect your investment. After you put a couple of million dollars in this place, it'll be worth thousands.

Will: Stop it, Carlton. Now, put it back in the fuse box, please. This is dangerous.
Carlton: Not if you know how to read. Look, it says touch here.
Will: Cool.
Carlton: But wait. There's more. "A town risk." What the heck does that mean? A town risk. [Will screams] Oh, at own risk. Sorry.