Philip: So you want me to take a chance on you, huh?
Will: No, I want you to give me a chance, Uncle Phil. Listen, I'm really serious about this. I'm not asking for a handout. I mean, you're gonna make a bundle on this deal too.
Philip: Okay, son. I'll have my accountant check it out.
Will: Uh, whoa, hold it. Little problem, little problem. Got a little time problem here. Uncle Phil, this place is gonna go fast. Look, just give me the 5 percent, let me put it down. I mean, you spend more than that on Milk Duds. You know, in the course of a year.
Philip: You know. You know, Will, you backpedal pretty well yourself.

Will: Can I see the list of complaints, please? "Somebody keep making them damn Chevy Chase movies. Dude in apartment 3G keep calling me sugar drawers."
Philip: Complaints about the building, Jazz.
Will: I think they kick in right here, Uncle Phil. "Sticky stuff on the stairs tastes bitter."
Philip: Oh, my God, let me see this. I only have seven days to bring every violation up to code and look at all of these.
Will: Look, Uncle Phil, you want me to start calling repairmen?
Carlton: No, Will, he wants you to call the idiot who keeps greenlighting all those Chevy Chase movies.

Jazz: Hey, Mr. Banks, I just wanted to say...
Philip: Oh, that's okay, Jazz. You don't have to thank me.
Jazz: Thank you? Damn, a coat of paint in a roach motel and you're all over yourself. I came to make you an offer.
Philip: Offer?
Jazz: Yeah, an offer to withhold my rent until I can come up with it.
Philip: Not on your life.
Jazz: Very well, then. Thank you for considering my proposal. Have a nice day. [stairs creak] Hey, landlord. Do I detect a hazardous stairwell? [yells] [thudding]
Philip: Ooh. My God.
Will: Uh, that's okay, Uncle Phil. His rent check would have bounced too.

Will: Okay, okay. All right, okay. Okay. Uncle Phil, all we're saying is all this could be yours if you invest in this.
Philip: An apartment building?
Will: No, no, no. This isn't just an apartment building, Uncle Phil. This is... [Jazz makes trumpet fanfare sound] Chalet Towers.
Jazz: Uh-huh.
Philip: I don't think I'm interested.
Will: Well, Jazz lives here, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Oh, that's very different. I know I'm not interested.

Ashley: Will, I don't think I've ever seen you bite your nails. Are you worried about something?
Will: I was not biting my nails, Ashley. [spitting]
Carlton: Well, Will, when I'm nervous I put a bag over my head and breathe very deeply.
Will: Does that help?
Carlton: Absolutely. By the time I regain consciousness I've forgotten everything I was worried about.
Ashley: Come on, Will. I know something's bothering you.
Will: Oh, okay, I'll admit it. You know, I am getting married in two months and that does give a brother a lot to think about, you know. Heh. That doesn't mean I'm worried about my future because I'm not. [bites the bottom of an unwrapped banana] That's how I eat them.

Will: No, wait a minute. Me and Lisa are gonna be just fine, okay? I'm gonna make something of myself. I got a whole lot of great ideas to make me some money.
Ashley: So, what's the problem?
Will: I ain't got no money. It takes money to make money, Ashley. What I need is somebody to just walk in and say...
Philip: You know what? I just made a bundle on the stock market. Ha. Now I just need something to invest it in.
Chorus: [singing] Hallelujah, hallelujah

Will: Hey, Hil, you always get money from Uncle Phil. How do you do it?
Hilary: Well, first I tell him that I love him. Then I hug him so tight his wallet falls out and I kick it under the couch.
Will: So you hug him just to get money? That is low.
Philip: Well...
Will: Give me a hug, you big bear.

Philip: Will, I am not interested in any of your harebrained get-rich-quick schemes.
Will: Okay, okay. Uncle Phil, now listen. This new idea is not stupid. And I do not wanna get rich quick. I just wanna be a married man who's responsible and realistic. And I need to do it in two weeks.
Philip: Two weeks, Will?
Will: You know, two days would be even better.
Philip: Now, if you have an idea you want me to take seriously present it to me in a well-thought-out, professional manner. You know, beat by beat.

Philip: Mm, mm, mm. Little Lance Ito. Who'd have thought it?

Jazz: Oh, come on. I don't want our cozy abode turned into a strip mall. I lived in a strip mall, Mr. Banks. And I'm sure I don't need to tell you how hard it is to take a bath in the men's room sink.
Philip: Bailiff!