Philip: After we gave you a second chance, this is how you repay us.
Luther: I did not rob you.
Philip: Oh.. You gotta believe me. Will, you believe me, right?
Will: You know, it's people like you that give ex-cons a bad name. I- I'm calling the police, man. [A cop knocks on the door] Damn, that was fast! Yo, they must have thought we was White folks.

Vivian: Geoffrey, my bags are upstairs.
Geoffrey: How thrilling for you.
Vivian: Geoffrey, you know, I'm very, very fond of you but I'm also eight months pregnant and I'm not in a very good mood. I could very easily rip out your heart eat it, and then have cappuccino. Am I making myself quite clear?
Geoffrey: Hallmark couldn't have put it any better.
Will: Hey, you know, Aunt Viv I'm really gonna miss you this weekend.
Vivian: Oh, no, you're not. And I'm not gonna miss you, either.

Hilary: Guess what? You're not going to believe this.
Will: You paid for your own dinner?
Hilary: Are you insane? I'm going to be interviewed by the "LA Weekly." Now that I'm a famous weather girl people want to know the real me. Now, if anyone asks, I'm 21 and I fought in Desert Storm.

Geoffrey: Madam, I've put your luggage in the limousine.
Vivian: Okay, goodbye, sweetheart. Alright, I'll give John and Cheryl your love. And I promise I'll try and come back in a better mood... if I come back at all.
Will: You know, Uncle Phil, if we're lucky she'll come back as Clair Huxtable.

Geoffrey: Mr. Banks, the gardener left this for you.
Philip: "Dear Mr. Banks, how can I put this? Your wife is crazy. And you're cheap. I quit. Adios, Hector." Great. Just what I need.
Geoffrey: Can I be of assistance, sir?
Philip: Yes. You can now call a gardener, call an exterminator uh, find a plumber, and fix the garage door.
Geoffrey: Even Aladdin only got three wishes.

Philip: Vivian, sweetheart, there was an army of ants in my shower this morning.
Vivian: Oh, welcome to the club, Philip. Call the exterminator. And while you're at it call the garage door people and the plumber.
Philip: Well, I thought you were gonna take care of that.
Vivian: Oh, I'm as big as a house. All I wanna do is lie in bed and eat pie.
Philip: Me too, but I still get things done.

Philip: And if you want to stay out of jail I suggest, you stop associating with known criminals and low life scum.
Will: Jamal?
Jamal: Will!
Will: Yo, man. You cool, you cool, this is my uncle. Hey, Uncle Phil, this is--
Philip: The defendant. Sit down, Will.
Will: Oh, my fault. Sorry. Hey, Jamal, why don't you offer him this KitKat...
Philip: Will!

Philip: Mr. Devins, I find it difficult to believe that you've put forth an honest effort to find employment.
Luther: Yeah, I'm willing to take any kind of job, Your Honor. I'm good with my hands. I can fix practically anything.
Philip: Then why are you unemployed?
Luther: I'm an ex-con. Nobody wants to hire an ex-con.
Philip: Oh, please. That's a very lame excuse, Mr. Devins. Are you aware that I'm perfectly within my rights to send you back to prison?
Will: Hey, yo, Uncle Judge. Hey, Uncle Phil, you could give him a job.
Philip: Are you crazy? He's an ex-con.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil. All that stuff that's broken around the house. And plus, I'm telling you, I got a good feeling about this guy. Look at him.
Philip: I don't think that would work, Will.
Will: Aw, Uncle Phil, remember what your pop said "Uh, it is better to give than to receive."
Philip: I really, really hate you.
Will: Love you, too, Uncle Phil.

Hilary: Will, you are a genius. Luther is a Godsend. He fixed all of the bulbs in my vanity mirror. I'm even prettier than I thought.
Will: You know, Hilary, I don't even think it's possible for you to be prettier than you thought.
Hilary: Thank you, Will.

Carlton: Well, he got all the TV's.
Philip: Uh, he got silverware, too. I feel like such a fool. He was probably planning this from day one.
Carlton: Well, don't blame yourself, big guy. Blame Will. He should've told you when Luther stole his baseball.
Philip: What baseball?
Will: [Spanish accent] What baseball? Well, baseball game where man with stick hit ball and run. Sort of like this.
Philip: Hold it!