Cecil: Oh, by the way, did I tell you, the Crandolfs have expanded my wing? The spa is really quite lovely.
Geoffrey: Well, I have a Jacuzzi.
Cecil: Oh, you mean those foaming bath tablets they gave you last Christmas?
Geoffrey: They're quite exhilarating if you sit directly on them.
Cecil: Oh, and did I mention that the Crandolfs have installed a wonderful new home-entertainment center for me?
Geoffrey: You know, the Banks have just given me a fabulous new television set with quadraphonic sound, remote control and a satellite dish.
Will: Hey, yo, G. Can I borrow your new TV, man?
Geoffrey: Certainly, Master William, it's in my suite.
Will: [opens drawer] No, it ain't, G. [pulls out hand-held TV] It's right here.

Carlton: I'm studying all weekend.
Will: Carlton, that is not normal, man. What kind of fool works night and day?
Philip: Boy, do I have a lot of work to do this weekend.
Will: Hey, Uncle Phil. Like I was saying, Carlton, a wise man knows the value of hard work.
Carlton: Look, Dad, I just went through my practice PSAT test again. I just shaved seven seconds off my time.
Will: Whoa, Nelly. Very good, Carlton. You're gonna get a gold star on your chart right next to "put away toys" and "stay dry through the night."

Ashley: Daddy, Geoffrey wouldn't just quit. What did you do to him?
Hilary: Ashley, I'm just glad you didn't have to see him leave. There was a tear in his eye as he walked down the driveway, took one last look at us, and gave a sad little wave.
Will: And fortunately you're too young to know what he was waving.
Ashley: I can't wait to be grown up.

Vivian: Carlton, baby, would you put the mustard in the refrigerator, please?
Carlton: I know what you're implying. You don't think I can cut the mustard, do you? You think I'm not as smart as Will. You think just because he did better on the exam that he's a better person.
Vivian: Sweetheart, that's ridiculous.
Ashley: Carlton, now Will's just teasing. We all think you did really good.
Carlton: Good? Good? That's just another way of saying I stink, isn't it? Well, maybe I have hit a little slump, but I'm sure even Albert Einstein had a bad day.
Hilary: God knows he never combed his hair.
Carlton: The point is other great minds have faced adversity and it made them all the better. And l, too, shall overcome.

Will: Would you hold it together, Carlton? Look, man, I'll get you through this.
Carlton: But I tried to cheat off your paper. What's in it for you?
Will: Well, until someone proves otherwise, you are my cousin, man.

Philip: That was pretty good, Vivian. Of course, I might have given in on the Jamaican cook.
Vivian: Um, let's get one thing straight here, I wear the cookware in this house.

Carlton: Busy, Will?
Will: Well, I was about to jet to the Riviera with Whitney Houston but since I'm grounded, I guess I can spare five or six months.

Carlton: Will, I'm sorry I got you into trouble.
Will: Hey, forget it, man. I shouldn't have been ranking you on your test scores in the first place.
Carlton: Why not? You had a right to gloat. I would have. In fact, I would have gloated better than you did. Ten times better.
Will: Carlton, please, come on, man. This competition thing has got to stop. All right? You a smart dude. You don't need a test to tell you that.
Carlton: Yes, I do.
Will: Carlton, look, I beat you by one stinking lousy point. I mean that's just because I'm down with this math thing. Hey, you stomped me on the verbal section. You're a lot more...
Carlton: Articulate, eloquent, erudite?
Will: No, wordy.

Geoffrey: Another crumpet, Cecil?
Cecil: Perhaps just one. My compliments to your cook.
Geoffrey: Actually, I baked them myself.
Cecil: [laughs] Oh, you don't say? A butler having to do the baking? [laughs] I'm sorry, it's just a butler having to cook is rather like a butler having to clean.

Will: Yo, what's up, the butler posse? Yo, C, you looking buffed, man. What, you been pumping iron?
Cecil: I do what I can, homes.
Geoffrey: Care to join us in a spot of tea and crumpets, Master William?
Will: No, that's all right, I'm driving later, man. Y'all go ahead and get busy without me. None of that sniffing furniture polish, all right? Just say no. [exits]
Cecil: Thank goodness the Crandolfs only have poodles.
Geoffrey: At least I don't have to follow him around with a pooper-scooper.