Tiffany: I'm tired of your excuses.
Mad Dog: But it's not an excuse. Just give me a minute to explain and then I'm out of here.
Will: [to Carlton] All right. You know, that's cool. You know. As soon as the Black Ness Monster explains, we'll be home free.

Carlton: Will, the window. Go, go.
[As Will and Carlton go out on the ledge, they scream as Mad Dog sticks his head through the window. They calm down when it becomes clear Mad Dog is stuck]
Will: [laughs] Bet you wish you wouldn't have gone off that Slim Fast now, don't you?
Mad Dog: You're lucky. But eventually, you're gonna have to come back in here.
Will: Ah, shut up and get back in there, you're stretching the building.
Carlton: Will, what are we gonna do now?
Will: Oh. Well, you know, it's almost winter. Eventually, he's gonna have to hibernate. All we got to do, just hang out up here, don't bring no attention to ourselves.
Man: [o.s.] Hey, look, those guys are gonna jump.
Will: No, no, man. We're just out getting some air, man.

Carlton: This is the worst night of my life.
Will: Ain't that what I promised you?
Man: Don't panic. I'm from the Crisis Intervention Unit. You're young. You're young. [reads note] "And you have everything to live for."
Carlton: Just get us down.
Man: There you go, putting the cart before the horse. Now, hand me the baby.
Will: Man, what are you doing? We ain't got no baby, man.
Man: Oh, my bad.
Will: Now, will you get the hell out of our way, fool?
Man: Hey, there's no need to be calling names. Sticks and stones will break your bones but a 50-foot fall will kill y'all. I made that up myself.
Will: That civil service exam is really easy, isn't it?

Carlton: What'd you guys end up seeing?
Sandra: Showgirls.
Carlton: Again? What does that make it, eight times, Will?
Sandra: Eight times? You told me you hated it.
Will: No, baby, I did. I mean... And every time, I wanted to just walk out of there.
Sandra: I know the feeling, Will. Bye.
Will: Wait, but, baby. Baby, ho- Oh, girl.
Carlton: Boy, did you handle that badly.

Ashley: Daddy, can I use your car tonight?
Philip: No.
Ashley: How about Mom's?
Philip: Talk to her.
Ashley: Mom, Dad said it's okay for me to use your car tonight.
Philip: I didn't say that.
Will: Those weren't your exact words, Uncle Phil, but you kind of did imply that... You know, there was absolutely no reason for me to jump in here, was there?
Philip: None whatsoever.
Will: I'm gonna go ahead and jump out of here.
Philip: Yes, jump on with your bad self.

Vivian: Ashley's going out tonight. I've given Geoffrey the night off and Nicky's going to his first sleepover.
Philip: Mm-hm.
Vivian: Philip, the house will be nice and quiet.
Philip: Mm.
Vivian: You know what that means?
Philip: Yeah, I can finally finish my speech.
Vivian: Philip.

Carlton: I can't believe Michelle hasn't called. I've left messages. I've paged her. Oh, God, I hope she's not disgruntled.
Will: You better be worrying about me being disgruntled after the way you messed my date up today.
Carlton: Will, I've come to the realization I don't understand women.
Will: Or men, for that matter.
Carlton: Maybe I should just talk to my Dad. He understands women.

Philip: I'm sorry about before. We're gonna have a great time tonight, sweetheart. A great time. You know what I'm saying? I love you. Mm.
Vivian: Do you?
Philip: Sweetheart, I just said I did. And you look beautiful.
Vivian: Philip.
Philip: No, I'm serious. For someone who's had four children, you look amazing.

Will: [on the phone] Sandra, I'm telling you. I really hated that movie. I don't know. I guess in some sick kind of way I was just trying to punish myself. No, no, no. You're right. No, I can be serious. Just let me prove it to you. Sandra, I seriously wanna go out with you tonight. Your cousin? No, no. I mean, I can find somebody to go out with your cousin, yeah. Oh, no, no. That's no problem at all. Hey, and I got the perfect guy for the job. All right, baby, you're the breast... Best! Best! I said best!

Carlton: No.
Will: Hey, hey, Carlton. Come on, man. You owe me. You almost wrecked everything with Sandra.
Carlton: I'm not gonna do it.
Will: Oh... [mimics Carlton] "You're not gonna do it." You know what? That's fine. It's probably time for me to move on anyway, you know. As luck would have it, it's come to my attention that there's this cute little mail carrier that's available.
Carlton: You wouldn't.
Will: Yeah, you're right. But that would be exactly what you deserved.
Carlton: Will, I'm sorry and I know I owe you one. But I just wouldn't feel right going out and having a good time without Michelle.
Will: What if I could promise you a terrible time?
Carlton: If I could only be sure.
Will: I guarantee you the worst time that you have ever had in your life.
Carlton: Okay.