Will: Yo, man. I need another phone call. My butler hung up on me.
Sergeant: Okay, fellas. You want to talk about those other car thefts?
Carlton: Look, I don't think you know who you're talking to. I have a 3.95 grade point average which would have been 4.0, except I had to take a ceramics class and my pot exploded in my kiln. I'm going to go to Harvard Law School, graduate with honors and then I'm going to sue you blind. Now give us another phone call.
[cut to Will & Carlton being locked in a cell]

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, I don't think you want to leave me here all weekend, you know, with no adult supervision. Did you see that movie House Party?
Philip: No. Did you see The Terminator?

Carlton: This is terrible. I'm ruined. I'll be kicked out of the glee club, I won't get into Princeton. I won't be admitted to the bar.
Will: Neither will l. The cops took my fake ID.

Vivian: It's only a weekend. Besides, at your age, you should be able to baby-sit your little sister.
Hilary: Nuh-uh. Besides, why can't Geoffrey baby-sit her?
Vivian: Because we're giving him the weekend off.
Hilary: You mean I'm going to have to get my own breakfast, too? Am I being punished for something?
Vivian: I was just asking myself that same question.
Ashley: But, Dad, I'm only nine. Can't Hilary take care of herself? Oh, hi, Hilary.

Philip: That's Henry and Margaret. Geoffrey, would you get that, please?
Geoffrey: [carrying suitcases] Right away, sir. I shall tend to my hernia a bit later.

Will: My man, Henry. Wouldn't it be nice if you could have your car with you in Palm Springs? What if you could find a nice, responsible young man to drive it there for you?
Henry: Will, that's a super idea. Carlton, you're a nice, responsible young man.
Carlton: And you're an eminent, respected attorney and your wife is a dazzling beauty.
Will: Yo, G. Did you leave a vacuum cleaner on? I just heard a loud sucking noise.
Henry: Carlton, old sport, how would you like to drive my Mercedes to Palm Springs this weekend? You could hang around the retreat, play some golf. And you know, the chicks in Palm Springs wear the skimpiest of bikinis.
Carlton: Well, I sure could use a good game of golf.
Henry: Good show. See you there.

Sergeant: Okay, fellas, we've had a lot of car thefts in the area lately. You want to talk about it?
Carlton: Okay, I think it's terrible.
Sergeant: You making fun of me, kid?
Carlton: You're the one who wanted to talk about it. Quite frankly, I think it's a matter for the police to handle.
Will: Carlton, they're handling it now.
Carlton: What on earth are you talking about?
Will: They think we stole the Benz.
Carlton: Officers, let me call Henry Furth. He's the owner of the car. And he'll straighten everything out.
Sergeant: Sure, sure. And while you're at it you might want to give Ron and Nancy a ring-a-ding-ding.

Hilary: [phone rings] Get it.
Ashley: Hilary, you're sitting right next to the phone.
Hilary: I don't care. I'm your babysitter. I command you.
Geoffrey: Phone.
Hilary: Let me know if it's for me.
Geoffrey: But, Miss Hilary, I'm off duty. And you're sitting right next to the phone.
Hilary: Yeah, but you're facing the phone.
Geoffrey: [answers phone] Lazy House.
Will: [on the phone] G, what up, yo? This is Will, man. I need a big favor.
Geoffrey: I'm tired of doing favors for you spoilt children. I'm off duty. I am not an animal. [hangs up]

Newscaster: This is Steve Goddard of the Minuteman-21 news team at the Santa Juanesta police station. The recent rash of car thefts in the Palm Springs area has been solved, as the perpetrators were arrested this evening. The ringleader agreed to confess only if a camera crew were present to broadcast live. What you are about to see is a Minuteman-21 news exclusive.
Will: Yeah, we done it. Word to Big Bird. We flicked eight Benzitos, 15 Jags, and a Maserati! But I didn't like the upholstery so I took it back, Jack!
Newscaster: Do you have anything to say?
Carlton: [wails] Dad.

Hilary: Geoffrey, I want a duck salad. When exactly do you go back on duty?
Geoffrey: When your parents walk through that door and not a moment sooner.
Vivian: [o.s.] Hi. We're home.
Geoffrey: Drat.