Vivian: Philip, this kitchen is a mess. I'd appreciate some help, please.
Philip: I'm cleaning out the refrigerator.

Will: Look, check it out. I got the perfect thing to surprise Ashley with at her birthday party. Yo, Geoffrey! Come on down!
Geoffrey: [o.s.] I'd really rather not, Master William.
Will: Come on, G, they waiting. [Geoffrey enters dressed as a clown] Come on, G, kick it.
Geoffrey: Hi, kids. How are you doodly-do doing? [all else laugh] I have never been more humiliated in my life.
Vivian: I'm sorry, but we're not laughing at you. We're laughing with you.
Will: Yo, that's just them. I'm definitely laughing at you.
Geoffrey: Master William, you could have at least rented a proper clown costume. There's a nasty little stain on my shirt.
Will: There ain't no stain-
Geoffrey: Right there. [As Will looks closely at Geoffrey's shirt, water sprays at him]

Hilary: Come on, aren't you just a little bit excited about your birthday party?
Ashley: Well, I know it's a little immature, but, yes, yes, I can't wait.
Will: So, what are you going to you wish for when you blow your candles out?
Ashley: Well, there is one thing I've been wishing for.
Philip: A doll?
Vivian: A dress?
Will: A game?
Ashley: No. [holds up a picture]
Hilary: A boy!

Hilary: Well, I've got the perfect idea for Ashley's birthday present.
Vivian: What's that, sweetheart?
Hilary: I know Little T's agent. He used to go out with my friend Jennifer. I'll bet he could get Ashley a front row seat at Little T's next concert.
Will: Listen, Hilary, if you know his agent you can get something twice as good as that.
Hilary: Oh, two seats.
Will: Let me walk you through this one. Tomorrow is Ashley's birthday party. Ashley has a crush on Little T. Birthday party. Little T. Something beginning to gel here?
Vivian: Wouldn't it be nice if Little T came to Ashley's birthday party?
Philip: That would be so cute.
Hilary: Will everybody please be quiet? I'm trying to think.

Will: Cousin Hilary, this party has been going on for an hour. When is Little T gonna get here?
Hilary: Will, you know nothing about celebrities. They always come to parties fashionably late. For a celebrity, being an hour late is like being half an hour early.
Will: Yeah? Well, if he's not here 15 minutes ago, that's his butt.

Ashley: Mom, Dad, make him stop.
Vivian: What's the matter, baby?
Ashley: Come on, a clown at a birthday party? It's so babyish.
Will: No, no, it's cool. I'm about to get this party started right. All right, kids, check it out. I'm Ashley's cousin, Will and I'm about to hip y'all to this new style of dancing. It's called dumb dancing, and no matter what you do you got to have a serious mug on the whole time. So y'all peep this here. [dances] All right. Come on. Now you give it a try.
Girl: Yeah, like that'll be happening.
Boy: Yeah, man, who invited the old guy?
Will: My brother, you want to take this outside?

Ashley: Will, will you cut it out? You are wrecking the party. I mean, this stuff is for babies: clowns, dance contests.
Carlton: Hi, kids. Prepare to be amazed. It's time for the great Carltoni.
Ashley: I wish I was never born.

Carlton: Will's got a good point, Dad. When I was 13, I harbored some pretty impure thoughts about Tootie.

Geoffrey: Master T and Mr. Lee Cohen.
Lee Cohen: Hey, you're English. You know, I represent some English bands. You ever heard of Duran Duran?
Geoffrey: Why, yes.
Lee Cohen: Well, when they came to me, they were just Duran. I added the second Duran, and bang-o!
Geoffrey: You must be so, so proud.

Carlton: Uh-oh. He's got his arm around her already.
Will: Yeah, that's the same arm I used when I was 13. It's that love arm.
Carlton: We better work fast. Let's roll.
Will: Hey, Ashley, Little T, what's going on?
Ashley: What are you two doing here?
Will: Well, Uncle Phil got hungry, so he sent us to pick up a dozen pizzas.