Philip: Why do you need $200, Hilary?
Hilary: For books. I'm changing my major.
Vivian: To what?
Hilary: Communications.
Philip: And exactly what does that entail?
Hilary: You know, it's like... You know, it's communications. You know, it's, like, the study of communicating, okay?
Will: Why do you want to major in that?
Hilary: Because I'm good at it.

Vivian: This is serious. Hilary wants him to live in our pool house.
Philip: Well, that shouldn't matter to you, Vivian. You're the one who invited Ashtray. In fact, why don't we invite some more of Will's friends out? Let's just put a big neon sign out in front of the house that says "Homeboy Hotel."

Carlton: So you're also a disadvantaged inner-city youth, I hear.
Ice Tray: Yo, man, what's with him?
Will: It's a tan.

Vivian: Geoffrey, have you seen Will?
Geoffrey: Master William sits in his room sadly staring out of the window, madam, quiet as a church mouse. Hasn't spoken a word for hours. What a shame.

Vivian: Oh, cut it out, Philip. He misses his friend.
Will: Ice Tray's more like my big brother, though.
Vivian: Well, I've got a good idea. Why don't we fly him out for a weekend visit?
Will: You mean it, Aunt Viv? I'm down with that.
Ashley: Word up. This is gonna be cold stupid on the serious tip.
Philip: What did you say, young lady?
Ashley: Oh, I said that this is quite an exceptional idea, Daddy. Peachy-keen, even. Later, my man.

Vivian: Hi, I'm Vivian, Will's aunt. Will, why don't you introduce Ice Tray to your family?
Will: I'm sorry. This is my little cousin Ashley.
Ice Tray: Hi.
Will: This is my bodyguard, Geoffrey. All of this is my Uncle Phil. Remember we used to say that Daffy Duck must have a little brother somewhere? Meet my cousin Carlton.

Ice Tray: Hold up. What about that one girl you went out with... that Latiqua? Man, that girl was ugly.
Will: Ugly? You crazy, man.
Ice Tray: She was so ugly, she was oogly. She was so ugly, that Freddy Krueger used to have nightmares about her.
Will: At least she was smart, though. What was that girl you was with...
Both: Stacy.
Will: That girl was so dumb, it took her an hour to cook Minute Rice.
Ice Tray: Wait a minute. Let's talk about skinny girls, okay?
Will: Who's skinny?
Ice Tray: That Julie you went out with? She was skinny. She was so skinny, you could tie a rope around her head and use her like a tetherball pole.
Will: Hold it. Back to Stacy. Now, Stacy was so dumb.
Ice Tray: What?
Will: Do you know how dumb Stacy was?
Ice Tray: How dumb was Stacy?
Will: Stacy was so dumb that she took the Pepsi Challenge and chose Jif.

Philip: Okay, well, before we get started, I'd like to propose a toast. Tray, since this is your last night here, Vivian and I would just like to say that we're both extremely happy that Hilary has found that special someone, that special love. I can just see Hilary and Tray in their tiny little love nest in Philadelphia with the pitter-patter of five little Ice Cubes. Hilary changing diapers and preparing a lovely meal, while her loving husband is working his night job on the corner as a Korean Gucci bag representative. Hilary, this is for those wonderful years in Philadelphia.
Carlton: I guess I'll be driving home tonight.

Vivian: Oh, poor homesick baby.
Philip: I have an idea, Vivian. If Will is that homesick, let's send him home.
Ashley: All he's been talking about is Philadelphia. I hope these Philadelphia cheese steaks cheer him up.
Philip: Personally, honey, I don't know what you and Will see in those vile concoctions.
Vivian: Which is why you only ate five of them?

Ashley: Oh, Will, we know you're homesick, so we got you something to cheer you up.
Will: Oh, wow. Thanks. Oh, thanks a lot. What is it?
Philip: It's a sandwich composed of cheese, steak, and a croissant de bouIanger from the Cafe Antoinette in Beverly Hills. It's a Philadelphia cheese steak, Will.
Will: Nice try, Uncle Phil, but this is not a Philadelphia cheese steak. See, look at the bag. No grease stain. If this were authentic, you could see right through the bag by now.
Philip: Well, I'm sorry you don't like it, Will. I'll dispose of it later.
Ashley: I'll throw it out.
Philip: I'll dispose of it, Ashley.