Will: It's good to see you're not wasting time chewing. [Philip groans] See, that's what you get for eating all fast. Let me get you something for that. Here's one, Uncle Phil. Relieves cramps, bloating and irritability. Oh, no, no, this is Geoffrey's.
Philip: Will-
Will: Oh, here's one, Uncle Phil. It says it relieves gas and I got to be honest the past couple of days you've been a little...
Philip: No.
Will: Oh, what you want?
Philip: I want an ambulance. I think I'm having a heart attack.

Paramedic: That's a nice hat.
Will: Thanks a lot, man. Look, is my uncle gonna be all right?
Philip: Don't worry, he's my fourth heart attack today and I already lost one of them. A two-death day is rare.
Will: Hold up, man, I don't care how rare it is. You better make sure you don't lose this one!
Philip: Will, I can't breathe.
Will: Hey, my uncle can't breathe, man!
Paramedic: Could be because you're leaning on his air hose.
Philip: I'm sorry. I'm gonna be all right, Will. I'll be fine. You go with your friends to Mexico. I'll be okay.
Will: No, no, no. I'm with you, man. I'm staying with you till the end. That was a really poor choice of words. I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.

Philip: Would you do me a favor, Will?
Will: Uncle Phil, we are not stopping for no burger.
Philip: No, no. Would you tell Carlton to look after the family, Will, just in case this is my last ride?
Will: Your last ride? What you talking about, man? We gonna go for plenty rides in ambulances, man. I mean, you gonna be all right, Uncle Phil. Hey, man, he is gonna be all right, isn't he?
Paramedic: Well, if I say he is and he croaks, you're gonna be upset, right?
Will: You're a real people person, aren't you?
Paramedic: I guess. Hey, if he still wants to stop for a burger, I can get Troy to swing by the drive-through. With the siren on, we don't have to wait in line.

Will: I hate to interrupt this guilt-fest but, um, I think I have to take the rap for this one.
Vivian: Well, you have been a little wild these past four years.
Hilary: Not to mention your negative influence on Carlton.
Geoffrey: Let's not forget his constant barrage of fat jokes. Or his elephant jokes.
Ashley: Stop it, everybody. You're making Will feel bad.
Will: No, no, it's cool, Ash. They're right. It is my fault. Especially since I've been sneaking him food for the past week.
Ashley: You what?
Will: Nothing... I mean, he said it was only going to be until New Year's.
Ashley: How could you?
Will: Well, it wasn't all bad food. I mean, the fried rice had bean sprouts in it.

Will: Uncle Phil, I'm sorry, man. You wouldn't even be in here if I wasn't sneaking you food. [An old White man turns over in the bed] Look, I love you, man. I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry.
[The nurses wheel Uncle Phil's bed into the room]
Will: Uncle Phil, what are you doing there?
Philip: I had a heart attack, Will.
Will: Hey, how come you didn't tell me you weren't my uncle, man?
Man: Well, nobody ever comes to visit me. I crave the attention.

Philip: Will, see if he's gonna finish his IV.
Will: Yeah, me bringing you food is what got you in here in the first place.
Philip: What? You think a week's worth of chili burgers put me in here? Forget about it. It's from years of not taking care of myself.
Will: Yeah, but I ain't had to help you.
Philip: Come on, I hustled you to get food. Nobody blames you.
Will: A whole room full of people with a different opinion.

Dr. Kevarkian: Excuse me. Are you the Banks family?
Vivian: Yes, we are.
Dr. Kevarkian: I'm Dr. Kevarkian. [they all gasp] Not Kevorkian. Kevarkian with an A.
Ashley: How's my father doing?
Dr. Kevarkian: He's going to be fine. But he's gonna have to start taking care of himself.
Vivian: Is he still awake?
Dr. Kevarkian: You can go see him.

Hilary: Geoffrey, why don't you take the baby home.
Geoffrey: Very well, Miss Hilary.
Dr. Kevarkian: Is that Carlton? Mr. Banks has been asking for him.
Hilary: Carlton's a little bigger, wears a bow tie.

Geoffrey: Oh, doctor, before I leave could I ask you a couple of questions about... ointments?

Will: Don't be stupid, Carlton. What are you doing?
Carlton: Cleaning the oven. What's your problem?
Will: How come you're not at the hospital, man?
Carlton: It says right here on the label to let foam sit for 45 minutes. My hands are tied.
Will: Carlton, what's the matter with you, man? Your father had a heart attack-
Carlton: You don't know that. It could be acute indigestion. Even doctors have made that mistake. Does that window look smudged to you?