Vivian: [sobs] I guess we're just not a close family anymore. I guess Hilary's wellbeing just is not important.
I guess nobody cares for her the way I do.
Will: I'll go with you, Aunt Viv. I can go to my party later, okay?
Philip: All right, all right, all right, I'm on board.
Carlton: But it'll cut into my trick-or-treating time. Oh, all right.
Philip: Come on, Will. Let's go tell Hilary. [all exit]
Vivian: [to Ashley] Learn from me, child.

Skorpius: Now, make ready to contact the spirits.
Will: [to Uncle Phil] Seem like somebody made contact with one too many spirits, you know...
Ashley: Mr. Skorpius, do you really think you can reach Trevor?
Skorpius: If he's up there, I'll find him.
Will: Hey, look, Skorpius, check it out. While you're there, see if you can find Marvin Gaye and find out what was really going on.
Philip: That was a good one.

Hilary: Trevor, I think about you constantly.
Skorpius: [deep voice] And I, about you.
Hilary: I wish I could see you.
Skorpius: I wish I could see you too.
Will: I thought they was boring when he was alive.
Hilary: Trevor, now that we can talk there's something I've wanted to ask you since the day you died.
Skorpius: Of course, Hilary. Ask me anything.
Hilary: Do you know where I left my black suede purse?

Skorpius: Your black suede purse? Well, now, let me think. Ooh, whoa, whoa.
Will: Oh, please. Come on, man, I could be sucking on some honey neck bone right now.
Skorpius: Oh, the connection is fading. I'm losing it. I'm losing it.
Will: Oh, like you ever had it.

Skorpius: Oh, let's have a look-see. You know, I could fit you in around 7 right between the exorcism and step class.
Hilary: Daddy?
Philip: No, I don't think so. And I think I'd like my 1000 dollars back, please.
Skorpius: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but the spirits don't give refunds.

Will: Listen, Scrupulous. I think you should just give my uncle his money back. You know, we all had a good laugh, but this whole thing is bogus and you, sir, are a fake.
Skorpius: Nobody calls me the F-word. [chants a spell]
Will: Gitchy gitchy ya ya gaga
Skorpius: From this day forward, you will bring evil to all those in your presence. You will end up alone and forever hexed. I placed a curse on you.

Hilary: This isn't funny, Will. You ruined my seance.
Carlton: Forget the seance. He may have ruined our lives once this hex kicks in.
Will: Cut it out, Carlton. There is no such thing as a- Oh, my God. Carlton, what's that hideous thing growing out of your neck?
Carlton: What, what? Where, where?
Will: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, never mind. It's just your head.

Geoffrey: What's going on? I heard screams.
Carlton: Ashley was attacked by the tennis-ball machine.
Geoffrey: Oh, thank goodness. For a moment there, I thought you'd found those Polaroids of me in a tutu. New Year's Eve. A fellow gets crazy.

Vivian: Philip, do something.
Jazz: Hey, Dad. Now that I'm going to be in the family maybe we could talk about my trust fund.
Philip: What did you say?
Hilary: Jazz and I are getting married.
Philip: Over his dead body.
Hilary: Excuse me, but doesn't anybody care what I think?
All: No.
Hilary: Well, Jazz does. And that's why I've fallen for him. To think, all these years, I never appreciated you. I love you, Snookums.
Jazz: Right back at you, Hilakums.
Both: Pssh!

Vivian: This is all your fault. You got us all hexed. I want you packed and out of here by tonight.
Will: But wait- Wait a minute, Aunt Viv, what are-?
Vivian: Out!
Will: Aunt Viv. Wait a minute, this is me. Your little Willie. You know, the adorable, charismatic, sometimes troublesome yet overall wonderful young man you've grown to love. Don't throw me out. Listen. I'll go back to Skorpius, and I'll get us all unhexed, okay?
Carlton: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.