Will: [on the phone] Yes. Yes, I love you too, Mom. Yes, Mommy. Okay. Mom! No, I'm not gonna get my nose pierced. Yes, Mom, I'm very happy with the holes that God gave me. Mom. Am I eating a balanced diet? [weighs a pizza slice and a chocolate snack in his hand] I'd say so. Mom, no, I'm not making any extra work for Geoffrey. [throws a soda can back, which Geoffrey catches] He hardly even knows I'm here. Mom, I told you this morning, Carlton and I are getting along great. Mom, I keep- Yo, everything is Mop & Glo, Mom. They love me here. [crashing sound]
Philip: [o.s.] Will!
Will: Excuse me, Mom, me and Uncle Phil are about to go for a run.

Carlton: Mom, I can't use the phone. We're all supposed to share it but Will talks to Kathleen morning, noon and night. Now, I've been putting up with it for weeks, and excuse my strong language, but I am not a happy camper.
Vivian: Will's in love, baby. I think it's sweet.

Geoffrey: I'm going to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thank you, sir! Thank you!
Philip: Hold on, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: [sings] When the shark bites I'm going to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger I'm having dinner with the Terminator Uh, next Friday night When the shark-
Philip: Geoffrey. You're not having dinner with the Terminator. I didn't get you a ticket.
Will: Ooh, that's ugly.
Vivian: Philip, how could you be so insensitive? Geoffrey is a part of this family.
Carlton: Major faux pas, Dad.
Hilary: Poor Geoffrey. Like his life isn't sad enough already.
Philip: Look, Geoffrey, I sincerely apologize for my oversight but since this means so much to you, and you are a part of the family I'm sure someone here will be glad to give up their ticket for you.

Vivian: Geoffrey, we're ready to serve dinner!
Kathleen: Takeout again?
Will: My baby's observant. Isn't she observant?
Vivian: Not that observant. Kathleen, your blouse is unbuttoned.
Will: Let me.
Philip: Let her.
Will: Better idea.

Hilary: That food smells terrible. I feel like I'm sitting in coach.

Kathleen: Everyone, look what Will did. He cut my steak in the shape of a heart. Isn't he artistic?
Will: Actually, that was a puppy.
Kathleen: Oh, whatever it is, it's beautiful. I'm gonna save it. And every time I look at it, I'm gonna think of my baby. [they kiss]
Philip: Excuse me. This is the dinner table, not the back seat of a Chevy. I want to talk to you two in the other room. Now.

Philip: Now, it's time we discussed this relationship. Vivian, discuss it.
Vivian: Well, what Philip is trying to say is-
Philip: Don't come around here with no babies.
Will: Hold it, hold it. Is that what this is all about? Look, Uncle Phil, Aunt Viv, I think you guys can relax. You don't have to worry about us coming around here with no babies. I mean, we don't even know no babies.
Vivian: Look, kids, now, we know you care about each other but you have only been dating a short time. Now, the kind of thing you're talking about takes commitment.
Will: You know, Aunt Viv, you're absolutely right. Commitment is what this is all about. And as a token of my commitment I got Kathleen this ring.
Kathleen: Oh, Will!
Philip: Oh, no.
Hilary: Oh, God!

Hilary: I'm sitting next to Arnold.
Carlton: No, I'm sitting next to Arnold.
Philip: I don't want my tires slashed. Geoffrey's sitting next to Arnold.

Kathleen: You look better.
Will: No, no, no, no, baby, you look better.
Kathleen: No, you look better.
Will: All right, I look better. Except for that rock. Man! If you value your vision, you won't look directly into the rock.

Philip: Geoffrey, Mrs. Banks and I are going to swing by my office. Will's going to ride with Kathleen and you can drive the kids, so we'll meet you at the awards.
Geoffrey: Very good, sir.
Hilary: Boy, this is a rare treat. I get to cruise Beverly Hills in a Volvo.