Professor Mansfield: One of the central questions of philosophy is the revelation of truth.
Will: Enjoy.
Professor Mansfield: Do you wanna know the truth? Do you wanna know the truth? You can't handle the truth!
Will: Hey, that's Jack Nicholson.
Professor Mansfield: Mr. Smith, if you wouldn't mind, please would you just beam yourself out of here.
Will: Oh, Captain Kirk, now that's fly.
Professor Mansfield: No, this is The Fly: "Help me! Help me!"

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil. What you doing down here?
Philip: I'm gonna tape Carlton's first pep rally. You have no idea how proud I am that he's the peacock.
Will: Nope, not even a clue. Oh, hey, you got a little time, though. You want some grub?
Philip: I've already eaten.
Will: Is that a yes or a no?

Professor Mansfield: Okay, here's another oldie but a goodie. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around to hear it does it make a sound?
Will: Yes, yeah, yes, it does. [off his look] No, no, it don't. Well, no, well, you know, yeah, it's a tree, it has to, yeah.
Yeah, it... Well... How big is the tree? I mean, is it anywhere near a subway or anything like that? And how close is this forest to the ghetto? Okay, all right, how about if it landed on, like, a gopher or something like that? Hey, does the noise that the gopher makes count? Or what if it falls on Uncle Phil and he hurt the tree?

Carlton: Look, Will, we're almost there.
Will: Carlton, relax. This is the line for class registration not the Nixon Library.

Carlton: Will, I took the liberty of jotting out a few courses you might be interested in.
Will: Thank you, Carlton, but I already have my academic priorities in order.
Carlton: Will, I'm proud of you. You're finally taking your education seriously.
Registrar: Can I help you?
Will: Yes, I'll have what she's having.

Carlton: Right, well, if you like to be challenged so much how come you registered for classes like Cheese Appreciation?
Will: Carlton, the challenge is to make your life as easy as possible.
Geoffrey: Hmm. That's why God made canned meat. Spam cakes, anyone?
Will: Hey, man.
Philip: Morning.
Will: Hey, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Geoffrey, something sure smells good.
Geoffrey: [holds up wrist] Patchouli, sweet of you to notice.

Will: Okay, okay, attention Kmart shoppers. We're running out of books for Psych 157 the study of human sexuality. So for any of you slimmies who miss out, I'll be more than happy to demonstrate the contents of the book. Twice, you know.
Jackie: Can I borrow that for a second?
Will: Oh, sure thing, boss lady.
Jackie: [over loudspeaker] You're an idiot.
Will: There you go making snap judgments again.
Professor Mansfield: Hi, I need to get-
Will: Hey, Sting, kick some lyrics, man.

Professor Mansfield: Excuse me, you think I could possibly get some help?
Will: Well, Hair Club For Men would be a good start.
Professor Mansfield: Ah, nothing like that minimum-wage humor. Look, my friend, if it's not too taxing I'd like you to do a little work, find these books for me.
Will: All right, all right, just relax a second. Here, fill out this requisition form, and I'll get them for you as soon as I can.
Professor Mansfield: Okay, try to have it before graduation, okay?
Will: Sure thing, Skippy.
Professor Mansfield: You know, I'd stay and continue this battle of wits with you but you're obviously unarmed.

Carlton: Carlton the peacock says, "Don't be a quitter, pick up your litter." Help me! Come on, guys, help me up.
Will: Yeah, we need a cleanup on aisle four. We got some bird droppings.

Will: Excuse me but I think I've seen your picture somewhere before. Oh, yeah, that's right, it was in the dictionary next to: Kablam!
Woman: Don't you have nothing better to do than hit on me?
Will: Well, now, I don't know, let me check my schedule. Nope, all clear. And... Plus, I don't have any early classes, that means we could sleep in.
Woman: You're relentless.
Will: Yeah, I don't give up, neither. Just think of me as the Love Terminator.
Woman: T2, meet my boyfriend, T-Rex.
Will: Hasta la vista, baby.