Vivian: Well, that's telling him, Philip.
Philip: All right, look he can go to Chicago with us and watch the show, but we have to tell him on the plane.
Vivian: Okay.
[heard over footage of a plane in the sky:]
Stewardess: Excuse me, sir, are you Will Smith?
Will: Yes, stewardess.
Stewardess: Your family asked me to speak to you.
Will: Wow, I'm sorry for staring, but man, girl, you real fine. You know, I was a little nervous about flying, but as long as I can look at you, I know I'll be all right. Oh, I'm sorry, what was you going to say to me?
Stewardess: Can I fluff your pillow?

Philip: Vivian, this is absurd. We're going to be on the air in 10 minutes. We have got to tell Will now.
Will: Oh, oh, oh! Oprah Winfrey's studio. Hey, come on you all, let's get a picture. Uncle Phil, I'll get you in one later. Look, Oprah's chair. I'm gonna send this to my mom.
Vivian: Honey, couldn't we just put him to sleep?

Alexis: You must be the Banks family. Hi, I'm Alexis. Hi. I'm glad you could make it on such short notice.
Philip: Well, thank you for having us.
Ashley: Oh, sure, sure. Listen, just make yourselves at home and I'll be right back. You have beautiful hair.
Hilary: I know. [both giggle]
Ashley: So, that's Trevor's old girlfriend, huh?
Hilary: Yeah, wonder what he ever saw in her.

Carlton: Okay, everybody remember, Dad's got an image to uphold here. So let's conduct ourselves with dignity. [Oprah walks in the room] Look, Mommy, Daddy, look!
Ashley: You- You're Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah Winfrey: I am and that means you must be... Ashley.
Oprah Winfrey: It's nice to meet you.
Philip: We're the Banks.
Oprah Winfrey: Hey, great, you made it. Welcome to Chicago.
Philip: Oh, thank you, this is a real pleasure. I'm Philip Banks. This is Hilary, Carlton, Ashley and... Uh... Uh... Uh...
Vivian: Vivian!
Philip: Yes.
Vivian: Hi, I'm a very big fan.
Oprah Winfrey: [feels Vivian's belly] You sure are. It's my pleasure.

Will: Hey, that's it. That's the theme music. Come on, it's time to go, posse up. Come on. Come on, guys, it's time to go.
Vivian: Philip.
Philip: All right. It's time to stop beating around the bush. Okay, everybody who's going to be on the Oprah Show, take one step forward. Not so fast, Will.

Will: Tell me I can't be on Oprah. Hey, brother, you mind sliding inside my legs are kind of long, I'd like to sit here. [After the guy shakes his head, Will sneezes on him] Oh, excuse me. [The guy moves down]

Oprah Winfrey: Philip Banks, you were a successful attorney with your own private practice in Beverly Hills. And now, you're running for Superior Court Judge. We all know that's quite a career change. What do you hope to get out of it?
Philip: I hope to make some changes in the judicial system and, well... I've always wanted my own gavel. [laughs] [Carlton joins in when nobody else does]

Philip: My God. Vivian, is that Will?
Vivian: No, Philip, it's Richard Nixon wearing a Will mask.
Carlton: No, Mom, I think that really is Will.

Woman: Oprah, this guy can't even run his own home. Why should he be elected to office?
Vivian: Excuse me, miss, but my husband would make an excellent judge. He is a wonderful husband and a devoted father.
Oprah Winfrey: Well, Vivian, I must say that, yes, you're right. This looks like it's a very lovely family, but I've been doing shows a long time. And one of the things I've learned is things are not always as they seem.
Hilary: Oprah, believe me, my dad is a great guy. I mean, when I lost my job and he kicked me out of the house, he let me live out back.
Oprah Winfrey: He kicked you out of the house?
Carlton: Well, he didn't actually kick her out of the house. He just changed all the locks and told her she didn't live there anymore.
Oprah Winfrey: Mr. Banks, is that true?
Philip: Well, I didn't change all the locks, and and she's not living out back, she's living in the pool house.
Ashley: Well, with the big pay cut you'll have to take, we'll all be living in the pool house.
Hilary: Look, you can forget it. There's hardly enough room for Trevor and I, as it is.
Vivian: What is Trevor doing in the pool house?
Will: Yes, Hilary, what is Trevor doing in the pool house?
Oprah Winfrey: Yeah, this is good now, this is good. I feel like we I think we're getting somewhere.

Vivian: Listen to me. Hilary, you are not to have men in the pool house.
Carlton: Look, I don't like to tell tales out of school, but Trevor keeps a make-up case there.
Hilary: That's a lie.
Carlton: Is not.
Hilary: Stand on a chair and say that to my face.
Vivian: You have both lost your American Express cards. Do you want to work on your Visa?