Eric: Kelso, Donna and I are fine, okay? I mean, she's waiting until the very last bus to go to school tomorrow so we can spend every minute of my birthday together. We're just gonna make this work.
Fez: Eric, long-distance relationships don't work. Just ask my girlfriend back home.
Eric: Fez, you have a girlfriend back home?
Fez: No, don't you listen? Long-distance relationships don't work.

Kitty: No, no, no! Why are you here? You can't be here!
Eric: Oh, right, I'll go outside, then I'll come back, and you guys yell, "Surprise!" and I'll yell, "You got me!"
Kitty: Eric, honey, there's no party.
Eric: What? How can there not be a party? Mom, what is more important than your only son's 18th birthday?
Kitty: Okay, fine. For the first time since his heart attack, your father and I are having intercourse. [all groan]
Fez: Sexy.
Red: [at the top of the stairs] Okay, let's get this over with.
Kitty: Happy birthday. [runs upstairs]

Kitty: Well, hello, handsome.
Red: Boy, am I tired. I think I'll just go to bed.
Kitty: Red Forman, what has gotten into you?
Red: I just think that there are more appropriate ways for us to spend our time. Uh... like you knit and I'll whittle. That's a nice life.
Kitty: Red, I know what this is about. You're afraid of getting physical so soon after your heart attack.
Red: Kitty, you know I love what we do but.... am I willing to die for it?
Kitty: Now, you just relax. Nurse Kitty is here to take care of you.

Kelso: Whoa, check out the new stereo. Oh, it plays records and eight-tracks? This thing's, like, right out of the future.
Eric: Yeah, Donna gave it to me. I think she feels bad that she's going to college without me. So, on the one hand I'm losing the girl that I've been in love with since I was five, but on the other hand, I get a crappy stereo.
Kelso: Score! What? I mean, she's going to dump you eventually. Rock-and-roll never dies.

Eric: You guys, Donna and I are not gonna let a couple of miles come between us, okay? This isn't the end of the world.
[a few beers later:]
Eric: My world is over, man.
Hyde: Forman, I know what you're thinking. Donna's gonna go to school, meet a whole bunch of people way cooler than you, and probably fall in love with someone else.
Eric: And you don't think she will?
Hyde: Oh, I know she will. My advice to you is drink up. I can't believe she's just leaving, you know? Hasn't she heard of a little something called sacrifice? You know, she sacrifices an education, or a career, or a future of any kind, and in exchange she gets me.
Kelso: I'd make that trade, you're a dependable guy. You don't offer much in the way of excitement, but if it's the same old same old the girl's after, look out.
Eric: I never deserved her, anyway.

[When Red and Kitty walk into the kitchen in the morning, Eric is passed out on the table wearing a woman's dress with black paint on his cheeks]
Kitty: Oh, good Lord.
Eric: [wakes up] What, what?
Red: Happy birthday, dumbass.

Kitty: Okay, Red, remember, don't tire yourself out today, because tonight is a special night in the bedroom.
Red: Bob Newhart's on Carson?
Kitty: No, silly. It's been a month since your heart attack. Tonight's the night the doctor gave us the "okay." You know, the "okay."
Red: Kitty, I don't like clues, just say it.
Kitty: The okay to make love.
Red: Don't say that. [Eric enters]
Kitty: Well, tonight is my only night off this week.
Red: Let's not talk about it in front of the boy. Or girl, or whatever he is today.

Eric: Let's not talk about what in front of the boy? [chuckles] You guys are planning a surprise party for me tonight, aren't you? Well, first of all, thank you. Second of all, let me just say, 18 years old, not too old for ice-cream cake, okay. So, where's my special birthday breakfast?
Kitty: Oh, my goodness, I've been so busy this morning I forgot all about your breakfast.
Eric: Okay, I'll play along. Lah-dee-dah, here I am, completely unaware that I'm about to get my super birthday breakfast with four pieces of bacon.
Kitty: Honey, there is no breakfast.
Eric: Mom, gag's over. Give me the bacon.
Red: Are you sure you want bacon? It's fattening. You barely fit into your best dress as it is.
Kitty: Eric, honey, let me make it up to you. How about tonight, instead of hanging out around here, you just... You take the night off.
Eric: Oh, because there's "no party." [chuckles] I'm with you.

Jackie: Steven, I am so glad we're back together. I thought I'd lost my little Pudding Pop forever.
Hyde: Wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me Pudding Pop.
Donna: [enters] How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? You guys are like cats, you don't even listen. [sprays Jackie and Hyde with water] Down!
Jackie: Donna! Donna, you know what? You're leaving tonight, so technically this isn't your bed anymore. And besides, I just can't keep my hands off my Pudding Pop.
Eric & Donna: Pudding Pop?
Hyde: Is that supposed to be me? I've never heard that name before in my life.

Eric: Donna, you're amazing. Taking the midnight bus tonight just so you can spend my whole birthday with me, that... I swear, that is right up there with not wearing a bra in public.
Donna: Boy, you're taking this really well.
Eric: Yeah, well, I know I have a history of ruining these things. Birthdays, holidays, that perm that made you look like a poodle. But I'm not gonna do that, okay? I'm not gonna ruin our last day together. Oh, so you're taking the toaster.
Donna: What?
Eric: It's just, you know, we bought it together, so I guess I kind of thought it was, like, our toaster. [chuckles] What do I know? It's not like I'm the one going to college, right? You are, with my toaster.
Donna: Okay, Eric, if it's a problem...
Eric: Oh, it's a problem. You thought you could just sneak it out of town without telling me 'cause you knew it was wrong, didn't you, lady?
Donna: Okay, Eric, I don't know what your deal is, but you're ruining our last day together.
Eric: I wouldn't be me if I didn't ruin it! You know what? Enjoy your toast, I hope it burns!