Kelso: Well, Donna, turns out Brooke doesn't like intelligent men.
Hyde: Kelso, you didn't have sex with her, man, just let it go.
Brooke: [enters] Michael, I need to talk to you.
Kelso: Yeah, about what?
Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso: [smiles] Excuse me. [to Fez] Burn! [to Donna] Burn! [to Eric] Burn! [to Jackie] Burn! [to Hyde] Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs into the kitchen]
Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn! [to Red] Burn.
[Kelso runs out the sliding door and down the stairs back to the basement]
Kelso: Burn. We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso: I never touched her.

Fez: Guys, guess what I just heard in the ladies' bathroom?
Eric: Fez, what were you doing in the ladies' bathroom?
Fez: Oh, spying, eating lunch, you know. I heard two girls say they did not want to go to college as virgins.
Kelso: Yeah, I caught that wave last year.
Fez: So I'm thinking, if horny virgins are dying for sex, then a-hunting horny virgins I will go.
Hyde: By the way, Fez, it's not pronounced virgin, it's pronounced vir-gin.
Fez: I thought it was virgin?
Kelso: No, no. Hyde's right. It's vir-gin.
Fez: Oh, now I will not sound stupid in front of the beautiful vir-gins.

Fez: Oh, hey, Jackie. Are any of your college-bound friends vir-gins?
Jackie: It's pronounced virgins, Fez.
Fez: What? But, no, but Hyde said... Oh, you magnificent bastard.
Hyde: Sorry, buddy. By the way, it's pronounced bas-tard.
Jackie: Fez, if you wanna find virgins, go where ugly girls pray to get pretty, the local House of Worship.
Fez: House of Worship? Are you sure you don't mean the House of Pies?
Jackie: No, Fez, I mean the House of Worship.
Fez: I'm going to the House of Pies.

Kitty: You know who else I like? That little fellow who plays Columbo. I just wanna give him a bath. [laughs]

Kelso: What is Brooke's deal, man? I mean, most girls lie about doing it with me when they haven't. This... The... Everything is backwards.
Eric: Yeah, this is just like Freaky Friday, but unlike that charming little movie, your story has no basis in fact.
Kelso: It does, too, except it's just the girl is avoiding me. I mean, how do you get a girl to come to you when you repulse her?
Jackie: Yeah, Eric?
Eric: Well, I like to put a hot dog on the end of a stick and hide in the bushes, so...

Hyde: Donna, so how do you know Brooke, anyway? Did you guys jump out of a cake together or something?
Kelso: [giggles] Yeah!
Donna: No, moron. When she was a senior we worked on the school paper together.
Kelso: I think you know Brooke 'cause there's a secret club in this town made up of all the hot girls. It's the secret hot girls club.
Jackie: There's no secret hot girls club. Believe me, I'd know.
Donna: Uh-huh. Well, I'm gonna take off. I have to get to my secret hot girls meeting. [gasps] Oops!

Eric: So, how's it going at Point Place Junior College?
Donna: Well, the education's not too great, but the upside is it's next to the Dairy Queen. First day of class, we all got free Peanut Buster Parfaits.
Eric: Ooh.

Kelso: Look, we had a great time together, and not just 'cause of the sex part, but because we had a really great time. Donna, please help me find her.
Donna: Okay, I'll give you a hint about where she works. It's in a quiet building, you could try to check her out on a date, but she's probably booked for the future.
Kelso: She's a travel agent?
Donna: She translated her love of books into a career.
Kelso: She's a translator.
Donna: [speaks Spanish]
Kelso: She's the translator, not me, Donna. You know, enough with these brain teasers. You tell me where Brooke works, and I'll return your underpants to safety.
Eric: Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?
Kelso: A collector never stops collecting, Eric.
Donna: The library, Kelso. She works in the library. Now will you put my underwear back, you perv?
Kelso: I lied. [runs out]

Jackie: Ooh. Wow, those male actors are gorgeous. You know, I think that Robert Redford is so hot. He's hotter than the sun.
Hyde: He's extremely handsome.
Kitty: You know who I think is sexy? James Caan in The Godfather. Now, if he made me an offer, I sure couldn't refuse. Yowza!
Jackie: Do you mind?
Kitty: I'm sorry. I thought we were having a conversation.

Jackie: You know what, Steven? I actually think that every guy on TV, and in life, is hotter than you.
Hyde: Jackie, I know what you're doing, okay? I said Brooke was hot, and now you're totally insecure.
Jackie: Oh, I am not insecure, okay? This is a designer sweater, this is designer eye shadow, and those are designer shoes, and they make me feel incredibly secure.