‘Kelso's Career’
Season 4, Episode 17 - Aired February 12, 2002
After Jackie tells Kelso to get a job to buy her a Valentine's gift, he starts making donations to a sperm bank. Red mysteriously tells Eric he loves him. Meanwhile, Donna agrees to go out with Kelso's brother, Casey (Luke Wilson).
Quote from Fez
Fez: Oh, Rhonda's going to love these. I just have to not eat them until Valentine's Day.
Hyde: But you love candy.
Eric: Some would say it's an unnatural love.
Fez: Yes, I do love candy. But I love Rhonda more.
Hyde: Really? 'Cause there's three pieces missing.
Fez: Fine. I love her the same.
Quote from Jackie
Kelso: Hi, sweetie. How was work?
Jackie: I am so exhausted.
Eric: Yeah, the commute from Austria must be a real bitch.
Jackie: A bus full of old people stopped by the Cheese Palace. And when they saw free samples, all hell broke loose. But the good news is I got paid.
Kelso: Oh, that's great. 'Cause Valentine's Day's coming up, and I need you to give me money and tell me whatever foo-foo crap gift you want to get.
Jackie: Michael, I'm not doing that again. Last year I gave you money, and you bought a bag of plastic dinosaurs.
Kelso: For you!
Jackie: Look, you need to make some cash and buy me something nice because I worked way too hard for my money, and you're not getting any. Oh, I smell like hickory.
Kelso: Oh, this bites.
Quote from Fez
Donna: What is wrong with you Kelsos? Did all of you get dropped on your heads?
Kelso: You know, if you're mad at Casey, why don't you go yell at him? I'm too tired from working all day to argue.
Fez: Oh, to be a working stiff.
Quote from Kelso
Nurse: I'm sorry, miss, but I can't give it to you. The donor himself is the only one who has legal rights over the specimen.
Jackie: Fine. Michael, you get them! You're the only one who has rights over your "special men."
Kelso: Jackie, what do you care what I do with my special men?
Nurse: Specimen. I said, specimen.
Jackie: I care because if there are gonna be any little Kelso babies well, I want them to be ours.
Kelso: Oh. You want to have my children?
Jackie: Well, yeah. I mean, if you get rich and don't lose your hair. Because I love you.
Kelso: I love you too. [they kiss]
Nurse: You can't do that here.
Kelso: Oh, she's right. [grabs specimen cup] We'll be in room two.
Quote from Red
Red: Oh, crap. I was hoping that you wouldn't find me back here.
Eric: Well, that's a good icebreaker. Look, um, about the "love" incident-
Red: All right. Stop right there. There are only a few times in life when it's acceptable for a man to use that phrase. When he's drunk, when he's dying, or when he's in big trouble and that's the only way out. Which usually means he's drunk.
Eric: So, other than that-
Red: Other than that, it's just a given.
Eric: Oh. Hey, you just kind of told me-
Red: No, I didn't.
Eric: Yes, you did.
Red: Well, I'm drunk. Clearly I'm drunk.
Eric: Daddy, be my valentine. [mock sobbing]
Red: Do I have to hit you? Go to your room.
Quote from Donna
Fez: Guys, look what I got for Big Rhonda. Oh, it's so nice to have a girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
Kelso: Yeah, it definitely increases the chance of getting your fun stuff touched.
Eric: Well, sorry, fun stuff. Looks like it's just you and me this year. Unless...
Donna: Sorry, fun stuff.
Eric: Yeah.
Quote from Jackie
Jackie: Oh, my God. Casey Kelso's here.
Donna: What? Oh, my God. He is so fine.
Jackie: You know, if you marry Casey and I marry Michael we'll be like sisters. Yay! Okay, go talk to him.
Donna: I don't know.
Jackie: I want to go baby shopping with you. Now go!
Quote from Donna
Donna: Oh, my God. Casey.
Casey: Hey, Pinciotti. How you been? Love the jeans.
Donna: Really? They're blue. Um, so what have you, like, you know, been up to?
Casey: I'm working part-time for the railroad. They leave a lot of stuff unlocked. You need any Cheerios or rebar?
Donna: No, I'm good. Thanks.
Casey: Right on. Well, listen, I'll give you a call sometime, but right now I gotta go see a guy. He's got a leather steering-wheel cover.
Donna: Oh, yeah. For the Trans Am.
Casey: Yeah. I was thinkin' about using my G.I. Bill for college but, uh, Trans Ams just kick so much ass.
Donna: I love the Trans Am.
Casey: Everybody does. See you.
Donna: Okay, bye.
Quote from Kelso
Kelso: Donna. What are you doing at my house?
Donna: Nothing. I just thought I'd come by and see what you were up to.
Kelso: Oh, you're here to see Casey, aren't you? Casey, your lover's here! [singsong voice] You love my brother! You're gonna do it with- [Casey pulls Kelso away from the door] Ow, Mom!
Donna: Thank you.
Casey: No problem.
Kelso: [o.s.] Spaz face.
Quote from Donna
Casey: Hey, there.
Donna: Hey. Um, you were gonna call me, and I remember I never, like, gave you my number. So, anyway, here's my number.
Casey: You know, I was gonna get that from you tomorrow night when we go out.
Donna: We're going out?
Casey: Yeah. I'll pick you up at The Hub after school. I'll be in the Trans Am.
Donna: I love the Trans Am.
Casey: Everybody does. Later, Pinciotti. [closes door]
Donna: [to herself] Pinciotti.