‘Donna Dates a Kelso’
Season 4, Episode 16 - Aired February 5, 2002
After Eric is named as the high school's most eligible bachelor, Jackie sets Donna up on a date with Kelso's brother, Casey (Luke Wilson). Meanwhile, Fez is hopeful his time has come with Rhonda, and Red has his eyes on a Corvette.
Quote from Fez
Kitty: Fez, honey, what are you- Did you come for cake?
Fez: No, I... Do you have cake? No, no, no. I came- I came here because I have this... friend.
Kitty: Oh, really? What's his name?
Fez: Name? Uh... Johnny... [looks at table] Table.
Kitty: And what's Johnny Table's problem?
Fez: Well, he and his girlfriend are about to do something very special for the first time.
Kitty: You mean, they're going to engage in...
Fez: Putt-putt. They are going... They're going to putt-putt. And- And- And she has putted around quite a bit. But- But he is a virgin, uh, putter. A- a virgin putter. He has never putted.
Kitty: I see.
Fez: And my friend, uh... Ay.
Kitty: Johnny Table?
Fez: Yes. Um, he cannot talk to Eric or Kelso or Hyde because they make fun of me... him... Johnny... [Kitty points to table] Table. So he's coming to you.
Kitty: Well, honey, you tell Johnny Table to be respectful and wear a condom.
Fez: Thank you, Mrs. Forman. That's good advice. So, um, may I have my piece of cake now? And one for Johnny Table.
Quote from Bob
Bob: Hey, Red, get this. A while back, I'm in my car crying 'cause Midgie was gone, and I kept having to reach into the glove box for tissues.
Kitty: Oh, that's dangerous. One time I had to blow my nose. Nearly hit that cockeyed girl down the street. I could've sworn she was lookin' right at me.
Bob: So I attached a box of tissues to the sun visor, sold the idea for a bundle, and voila. The Weeper Keeper was born.
Red: Oh, God. Are you rich again?
Bob: Yep. [chuckles] I'm back to my I-can-buy-anything-I-want former self. Just picked up two sombreros and a case of Lik-M-Aid.
Kitty: Where are you gonna wear a sombrero, Bob?
Bob: Where won't I wear it?
Quote from Leo
Eric: What about her?
Leo: Hey, I know her, man. She's not all there, if you know what I mean.
Hyde: She's a space case, huh?
Leo: No, she's missing a toe.
Quote from Eric
Eric: No. Guess who was voted Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?
Fez: Tommy Larkin? Well, he is dreamy.
Eric: No. Me, thank you very much.
Kelso: Congratulations, Eric. I guess this opens up a whole new world for you. One where you can actually date chicks.
Eric: And don't think I haven't already thought of that, my friend.
[title: "Pick a Chick"]
Eric: Bachelorina #1, I've been diagnosed with a disease that makes me irresistible to women. If you were my doctor, what would you do to treat me?
Bachelorina #1: I'd order you to stay in bed for three weeks. With me. [applause]
Eric: Uh-oh. I 'm feeling better already. Bachelorina #2
Bachelorina #2: Well, I'd have you strip down for a complete physical. [applause]
Eric: Well, then I guess we know what's up, Doc. [laughs] Number 3?
Bachelorina #3: I'd write you a prescription for love and tell you to take me three times a day.
Eric: Careful, I might O.D.
Hyde: Well, Eric it's time to choose. Which one of these luscious, fawning chicks will it be?
Eric: [sighs] Gosh, they all sound so great. I can't decide.
Hyde: Well, that's okay. You're Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking. You can have them all!
Eric: How tremendously fair!
Hyde: Kelso, tell Eric what he gets.
Kelso: Bachelorina Number #1 is a hot cheerleader. Bachelorina Number #2 is a hot cheerleader. Bachelorina Number #3 is a hot gymnast who used to be a hot cheerleader.
Hyde: Well, until next time this is Eric's jealous friend Hyde saying, "I wish I was Eric Forman."' So long!
Hyde: Forman, don't put me in your fantasies. I don't even like being in your real life.
Fez: You can put me in your fantasies. I don't mind. I don't have a lot going on.
Quote from Leo
Fez: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Rhonda just said she has something special to share with me tomorrow night. It can only mean that we're going to do it! [guys laugh] No, no, no. Listen to me. I need a place to do it - roomy and cheap. Just like my Rhonda.
Leo: You can use the Fotohut, man. I'm always happy to lend it out for deflowering and bar mitzvahs.
Fez: Thank you, Leo. Tomorrow night, Fez becomes a man.
Leo: Oh, so it is a bar mitzvah.
Quote from Eric
Jackie: Guess what, Eric? Donna has a date tonight too. Yep, yep, yep. Mm-hmm. I set her up with Michael's older brother, Casey. [guys laugh]
Hyde: Oh, man, Donna's going out with Casey Kelso? Casey "What's the big deal? It's just a misdemeanor?" Kelso? Man, that's gonna be the best bad date ever. Hey, we should hide in the trunk.
Kelso: Oh, like Spritle and Chim Chim!
Eric: Oh, my God. I would pay to see that date.
Hyde: [high-pitched voice] "So, Casey what are your thoughts on feminism?"
Eric: "Well, Donna, I think it can munch my butt." [laughter]
Kelso: All right. Hey, my brother's not that bad, okay? He taught us lot of good, useful stuff about chicks. Like, the bigger the boobs, the smaller the brain. That's a timeless truth.
Fez: I'll tell you another timeless truth. [singsongy] I'm going to do it!
Quote from Eric
Eric: So when my dad saw that I had broken the TV with the bowling ball, I said, "You fix it, dumbass." Ah, it shut him up.
Emily: You know, Eric, I've had a crush on you for so long. Well, since the paper came out.
Eric: Oh, right, the Most Eligible Viking. Well, that's just good reporting.
Quote from Red
Bob: Red, guess what? I went down to pay for my Corvette, and some jerk-wad bought it out from under me.
Red: Oh. Well, that's a tough break, Bob. But you know what would make you feel better? [opens garage door] A look at my new Corvette.
Kitty: [softly] Oh, my goodness, it's beautiful.
Bob: You bought my car? That doesn't make me feel better, Red.
Red: I'm sorry. Did I say make you feel better? I meant make me feel better. [Kitty honks the horn]
Quote from Leo
Leo: Well, I'll leave you two with the same advice my father gave me: "Get a job, dopehead."