Eric: What's with the gun, Trigger?
Kelso: Oh, will you relax, Eric? It's not a gun. It's a BB gun. Yeah, I lost it when I was, like, 10, and I found it this morning buried in my backyard.
Donna: Why were you digging in your backyard?
Kelso: Uh, dinosaurs. Watch the news, Donna.

Eric: You guys, I can't believe that Mr. Burkhart might actually be going to prison.
Fez: Ah, the tragedy. My father was sent to prison and it led to a life of drugs and prostitution.
Donna: What?
Fez: Yes. Then his pimp killed him. But then the medical examiner found a tiny hair. And he solved the crime, and he sent the pimp bastard to the chair.
Eric: Fez, that was last night's episode of Quincy.
Fez: Oh, I didn't know you watched that show.

Kelso: Jackie blew right by me to get to Hyde.
Fez: Yes, I know. Because you told me 20 times. Oh, there's my boss, Nina. Queen of the D.M.V. She haunts my dreams.
Kelso: Wait. I thought Mr. Roper from Three's Company haunted your dreams.
Fez: Oh, he's there too. Bug-eyed bastard.

Kelso: You guys, how bad is it? Is Hyde gonna be a cyclops?
Eric: Kelso, what were you thinking? I mean, did you shoot him on purpose?
Kelso: No! The gun went off on accident!
Eric: Well, he kinda thinks you did.
Kelso: How could I? I mean, yeah, I was mad. But I didn't... I don't know. Maybe I did it accidentally on purpose.
Donna: You mean subconsciously?
Kelso: No, I was definitely awake the whole time.

Jackie: Mr. Forman...
Red: Look, Jackie, I know that things seem grim, but your father's rich, right?
Jackie: Uh-huh.
Red: Well, then I'm sure that whatever trouble he's in he'll buy his way out and wriggle free.
Jackie: You're right. I mean, this is America. The rich are treated differently here.
Red: Yep. And I'm so glad I took some shrapnel to make that happen.
Jackie: Me too.

Fez: [enters] Guys, something horrible has happened. The little man in my pants has turned black. [Eric and Donna laugh] It's not funny! Black is the color of death! Oh, my little man is going to die before he gets to see the world. I'm so sorry. How could this happen? [holds hands in prayer] How? [holds hands up]

Red: Well, I'm glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.
Eric: Yeah, well, thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?
Kitty: Oh, no.
Red: What did you say?
Eric: I- I said that Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?
Red: That's right.

Eric: Oh! Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.
Kelso: Will you relax, Eric? God, guns don't just go off by accident.
Donna: Really? Well, what about Eric's fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?
Eric: Oh, no, Snowball wasn't shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. You shot Snowball?
Kelso: Well, the gun went off by accident!

Fez: I am in pain.
Donna: Fez, we're really sorry about Nina. You know, rejection hurts.
Fez: No, Nina and I were kissing, and she made me stop and now I am in pain.
Donna: Ew.
Fez: I have to go do something.

Donna: Mr. and Mrs. Forman, can you settle this for us? If someone you love is kinda depressed should you shower them with kindness or give them space?
Kitty: Well, now, that's a very good question. And it really takes a lot of living with someone to get it right.
Red: That's true.
Kitty: But you'll find the thing to do is...
Red: Give them space.
Kitty: ...shower them. What did you say?
Red: I said what you said.
Kitty: You're lying.
Red: Oh, come on, Kitty. When menopause makes you crazy... I could be with you all day and it wouldn't do any good. You need space.
Kitty: Oh. Menopause makes me crazy? I'm crazy? I'm crazy?! Well, if you want space, Red Forman, you got it! This crazy lady's out the crazy door! [exits]
Red: We were having a nice lunch.