Mateo: Why would anybody be attracted to Jonah? He looks like a villain on the CW.

Mateo: You know, I have to say, almost everything works on him. I guess that's the one benefit of having a face with zero character.
Glenn: Thank you, Mateo.

Dina: You got to keep this reporter away from me. I hate reporters. My school paper once misidentified me as a scoliosis victim. I mean, the joke is, my spine is perfect, okay? I can bench 160. 165 in the right situation. [looks at Jonah]

Man: Hey, uh, can I ask you a question?
Garrett: Yeah, sure. What's going on?
Man: Uh, which of these headphones would you recommend?
Garrett: Personally, I like those. They got Bluetooth technology, which is great.
[Garrett raises his middle finger on both hands]
Man: Hey. What's up with that?
Garrett: Oh, I'm sorry. This has nothing to do with you. I'm just making this gesture to make sure any photo of me is unusable.

Glenn: Attention. Attention! Okay, everybody look over at me now. Okay, that's as loud as my voice goes, so I'm... I'm not sure what to do here. [Dina bangs on a table]
Garrett: [on phone] I would definitely kill a wolf.
Glenn: Oh, oh, oh. Okay. Okay. Today is a, uh, very exciting day, because Stratus is doing a profile on our store. Yeah, ooh! Oh, yeah!
Jonah: What's Stratus?
Mateo: Um, only our internal corporate magazine!
Amy: "Magazine" isn't exactly accurate. It's more like misleading propaganda.
Glenn: No, it's not!
Amy: "Minimum wage is maximum fun!"
Glenn: It is!
Jonah: "Work it Off: A Guide to Injuries on the Job."
Glenn: Oh, that is a super fun read.

Cheyenne: Ooh, there's a jingle-writing contest. Bo could enter that. If he won, he could stop dancing for his mom's friends.
Glenn: It's my responsibility to show the reporter around, so, please, let's put our best foot forward, okay? Cheyenne, that means no falling asleep in the bedding department.
Cheyenne: I get tired, Glenn. I'm pregnant.
Glenn: Not today, you're not!
Cheyenne: Okay.

Glenn: Uh, oh, and Sal, I'm gonna need you to take the creepiness down to about a two, okay? Garrett, um, I love those nicknames you come up with for me, but, uh, some people might see them as insulting, so why don't you just get 'em out of your system now?
Garrett: Glennda, G-Nothing, Glenngarry Glenn Loss, Glennema, Glenntil Soup, TransGlennder.
Glenn: Oh, that's a new one.

Glenn: Okay! Let's get out there and have a newsworthy day. Do it for the old, uh... G-Spot! See? You're not the only one who's good at nicknames.

Garrett: If you see the reporter show up today, please let me know so I can hide. I do not want them to put me on the cover.
Jonah: That's pretty cocky.
Garrett: Oh, it's not ego. These corporate magazines love putting employees with disabilities on the cover. Look.
Jonah: Wow. You were not kidding.
Garrett: And they really gonna come after me, especially with Face Birthmark Tony on vacation.
Jonah: Yeah, I'll bet, and getting a Black guy in a wheelchair on the cover would be like their Holy Grail or something.
Garrett: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You trying to say being Black's a disability?
Jonah: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Garrett: Huh?
Jonah: Now, that's... no. No, of course, no. I... I have lots of...
Garrett: What?
Jonah: I listen to Drake. I...
Garrett: Drake?
Jonah: No, no, no. I watch BET... sometimes.
Garrett: I'm messing with you, dude.
Jonah: Okay. Good. Thank God. I've never watched BET.
Garrett: Yeah, me either, man.

Glenn: 'Sup, fool?
Amy: Nice. Why are you dressed like you're going undercover at a high school?
Glenn: Oh. [points to mannequin] Well, it looked cool on him. With the reporter coming... I know I'm not the most exciting person in the world, so I thought I'd jazz myself up a bit.
Amy: Come on, Glenn. You're an exciting guy. You remember that time when, um, you know, uh... you know.
Glenn: Thanks for trying.
Amy: Glenn, Stratus is just a stupid corporate rag. Nobody reads that. I mean, maybe if the break room TV is broken and I'm locked out of Candy Crush.
Glenn: I know that, but for once, it'd be nice to be the star. I mean, I... I know I'm never gonna be Madonna, but, for one day, it'd be nice not to be Glenn, but to be... Glenn.