Diane: Sam, do yourself a favor. Go back to your tootsies and your rat parts. I'd hate to see the bowling alleys close on my account.
Sam: Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you saying that I'm too dumb to date smart women?
Diane: I'm saying that it would be very difficult for you. A really intelligent woman would see your line of BS a mile away.
Sam: You think so?
Diane: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Sam: You know, well, I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say... Phew.

Leo: Last semester, my son comes home from college with his new fiance, who's black.
Coach: I've been thinking about that, and It's a tough one, but I think I've got it.
Leo: Well, but wait a minute cos there's more.
Coach: No, Leo. Hold it, Leo. Leo, it's a problem of communication. Here's what you do, when you get home, you sit the kids down and say to your boy- What's your boy's name?
Leo: Ron.
Coach: Uh, Ron. What's Ron's fiance's name?
Leo: Rick.
Coach: Rick. So, you say... You say, "Rick, Ron..." Rick and Ron?
Norm: Suck it up, Coachie. Hang tough in there.
Coach: Leo... Leo, if you're that unhappy about it, just throw him out and tell him you never want to see him again.
Leo: I can't do that. I love the kid.
Coach: Oh.
Leo: Oh, I see what you're saying.
Coach: You do? What?
Leo: If I can't accept the kid the way he is, I'll lose him.
Coach: Boy, that's good.
Leo: When you put it that way, what choice do I have? Thanks, Coach. You know, you're not Gus, but you're not bad.
Coach: Leo, even Gus isn't Gus any more.

Sam: Well, I guess I've never... I've never looked into your eyes.
Diane: Something wrong with them?
Sam: No. I just don't think I've ever seen eyes that color before. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen that color before. Yes, I have. Yes, I have.
Diane: Where?
Sam: I was, uh... I was on a ski weekend up at Stowe. I was coming in late one day, last person off the slope as the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don't notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change, wishing that I had somebody there to share it with. Afterwards, I tried to convince myself that I'd imagined that color, that I hadn't really seen it, that nothing on this earth could be that beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Diane is silent] Wouldn't work, huh?
Diane: What?
Sam: An intelligent woman would see right through that.
Diane: Oh. Oh! In a minute.
Sam: Damn. [Diane downs a shot]

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
Coach: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: I've heard of that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it.
Sam: Huh, another day, another dollar, Norm?
Norm: 50 cents after taxes.

Diane: Now, Sam, wait a minute. I don't mean to criticize. In a way, I was complimenting you. You can do better.
Sam: I don't want to do better. You see, Diane, there are certain things in this life that I really like, and nobody's gonna change my mind about them. You see, I like fun women, hot dogs, game shows. And I don't care what anybody says about them.
Diane: Did you read that they found rat parts in hot dogs?
Sam: I like rat parts. It's my favourite part of the hot dog.

Carla: Hey, Norm.
Norm: Hey, girl. How's the kids?
Carla: Two of them are ugly, one's obnoxious and one's just stupid. He's my favorite.

Diane: Why are you so upset?
Sam: You know, this week, I have gone out with all the women I know. I mean, all the women I really enjoy. And all of a sudden, all I can think about is how stupid they are. My life isn't fun any more, and it's because of you.
Diane: Because of me?
Sam: Yeah. You're a snob.
Diane: A snob?
Sam: Yeah, that's right.
Diane: Well, you're a rapidly ageing adolescent.
Sam: Well, I would rather be that than a snob.
Diane: And I would rather be a snob.
Sam: Well, good, because you are.

Diane: OK. Shot of bourbon. Beer chaser. Bloody Mary without Tabasco, and with extra Tabasco. Coffee. Cream. Sugar. Sweet'N Low. CC water back. Pretzels. Pitcher of water with three glasses.
Man: [at other table] Ahem, those are our drinks.
Diane: I'm terribly sorry. I don't suppose I could impose upon you people to save me a few steps? [they switch places] Thanks. Thank you, really. Thanks so much. Free pretzels for everybody.

Brandee: I do feel like a movie tonight.
Sam: You know, I've been in the mood for a movie all day long.
Brandee: What kind of movie shall we see?
Sam: Something short.
Diane: Oh... [scoffs]
Brandee: Could you be a little more specific?
Sam: Uh, does anybody know any good movies?
Norm: Yeah, what's that new Australian film that's good?
Brandee: No. No Australian films. I hate subtitles.
Diane: [laughs] Uh, this one's no problem. It's dubbed.

Sam: I'll be right back. What's your name?
Brandee: Brandee. With two Es.
Coach: [picks up a bottle] Brandee with two Es? A big company like this, they spelled it wrong.