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‘Sam's Women’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Sam's Women

102. Sam's Women

Aired October 7, 1982

Sam tries to convince Diane that he doesn't only date dumb women.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, do yourself a favor. Go back to your tootsies and your rat parts. I'd hate to see the bowling alleys close on my account.
Sam: Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you saying that I'm too dumb to date smart women?
Diane: I'm saying that it would be very difficult for you. A really intelligent woman would see your line of BS a mile away.
Sam: You think so?
Diane: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Sam: You know, well, I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say... Phew.

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Quote from Coach

Leo: Last semester, my son comes home from college with his new fiance, who's black.
Coach: I've been thinking about that, and It's a tough one, but I think I've got it.
Leo: Well, but wait a minute cos there's more.
Coach: No, Leo. Hold it, Leo. Leo, it's a problem of communication. Here's what you do, when you get home, you sit the kids down and say to your boy- What's your boy's name?
Leo: Ron.
Coach: Uh, Ron. What's Ron's fiance's name?
Leo: Rick.
Coach: Rick. So, you say... You say, "Rick, Ron..." Rick and Ron?
Norm: Suck it up, Coachie. Hang tough in there.
Coach: Leo... Leo, if you're that unhappy about it, just throw him out and tell him you never want to see him again.
Leo: I can't do that. I love the kid.
Coach: Oh.
Leo: Oh, I see what you're saying.
Coach: You do? What?
Leo: If I can't accept the kid the way he is, I'll lose him.
Coach: Boy, that's good.
Leo: When you put it that way, what choice do I have? Thanks, Coach. You know, you're not Gus, but you're not bad.
Coach: Leo, even Gus isn't Gus any more.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Well, I guess I've never... I've never looked into your eyes.
Diane: Something wrong with them?
Sam: No. I just don't think I've ever seen eyes that color before. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen that color before. Yes, I have. Yes, I have.
Diane: Where?
Sam: I was, uh... I was on a ski weekend up at Stowe. I was coming in late one day, last person off the slope as the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don't notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change, wishing that I had somebody there to share it with. Afterwards, I tried to convince myself that I'd imagined that color, that I hadn't really seen it, that nothing on this earth could be that beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Diane is silent] Wouldn't work, huh?
Diane: What?
Sam: An intelligent woman would see right through that.
Diane: Oh. Oh! In a minute.
Sam: Damn. [Diane downs a shot]

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
Coach: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: I've heard of that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it.
Sam: Huh, another day, another dollar, Norm?
Norm: 50 cents after taxes.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Now, Sam, wait a minute. I don't mean to criticize. In a way, I was complimenting you. You can do better.
Sam: I don't want to do better. You see, Diane, there are certain things in this life that I really like, and nobody's gonna change my mind about them. You see, I like fun women, hot dogs, game shows. And I don't care what anybody says about them.
Diane: Did you read that they found rat parts in hot dogs?
Sam: I like rat parts. It's my favourite part of the hot dog.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Norm.
Norm: Hey, girl. How's the kids?
Carla: Two of them are ugly, one's obnoxious and one's just stupid. He's my favorite.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Why are you so upset?
Sam: You know, this week, I have gone out with all the women I know. I mean, all the women I really enjoy. And all of a sudden, all I can think about is how stupid they are. My life isn't fun any more, and it's because of you.
Diane: Because of me?
Sam: Yeah. You're a snob.
Diane: A snob?
Sam: Yeah, that's right.
Diane: Well, you're a rapidly ageing adolescent.
Sam: Well, I would rather be that than a snob.
Diane: And I would rather be a snob.
Sam: Well, good, because you are.

Quote from Diane

Diane: OK. Shot of bourbon. Beer chaser. Bloody Mary without Tabasco, and with extra Tabasco. Coffee. Cream. Sugar. Sweet'N Low. CC water back. Pretzels. Pitcher of water with three glasses.
Man: [at other table] Ahem, those are our drinks.
Diane: I'm terribly sorry. I don't suppose I could impose upon you people to save me a few steps? [they switch places] Thanks. Thank you, really. Thanks so much. Free pretzels for everybody.

Quote from Diane

Brandee: I do feel like a movie tonight.
Sam: You know, I've been in the mood for a movie all day long.
Brandee: What kind of movie shall we see?
Sam: Something short.
Diane: Oh... [scoffs]
Brandee: Could you be a little more specific?
Sam: Uh, does anybody know any good movies?
Norm: Yeah, what's that new Australian film that's good?
Brandee: No. No Australian films. I hate subtitles.
Diane: [laughs] Uh, this one's no problem. It's dubbed.

Quote from Coach

Sam: I'll be right back. What's your name?
Brandee: Brandee. With two Es.
Coach: [picks up a bottle] Brandee with two Es? A big company like this, they spelled it wrong.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sam, I've got a message for you. Your date, Miss Bigbuckets? She told me to tell you she's getting a little "ootsy". Get her out of there, Sam. The customers are warping the wood with their drool.

Quote from Diane

Cliff: Hey, Coach, where's Sammy?
Coach: Out, where else?
Cliff: Again? He's been out with a different dolly every night.
Diane: He's overcompensating for feelings of inadequacy with an ostentatious display of hormonal activity.
Norm: That's our Sammy.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Let me tell you something, Norm. There are serious drawbacks to dating beautiful women.
Norm: Yeah? Like what?
Carla: Like you can't eat Italian cos always they're on diets. You can't go outside cos the wind will muss their hair. And you can't go to hockey games cos they might get hit in the face with a puck. Where's the fun, huh?
Coach: Carla, the fun's in the fun.

Quote from Norm

Diane: Ah, yes. Unlimited sex. The adult male's version of owning a candy store. But tell me, once you've consumed as much sex for as long as you want it, what would you do then?
Norm: I'd help the poor.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Oh, wait, wait. Debra, you forgot your program.
Debra: Oh, thank you.
Diane: You know, I love Mozart, too. This program's two years old.
Sam: Is it?
Diane: Yes.
Debra: Well then, Mozart must have been 37 years old when he died.
Sam: I didn't say we came straight from the concert.
Debra: OK, OK, we went to see Star Wars again and I'm glad. [kisses Sam] How did I do?
Sam: Well...

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