Helen Seinfeld: What happened to you?
Kramer: Oh, well, some guy kicked me in the side of the head.
Helen Seinfeld: What guy?
Kramer: Crazy Joe Davola.
Helen Seinfeld: Why?
Kramer: Well, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and Jerry tipped him off.
Jerry: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
Jerry: I didn't know he wasn't invited.

Morty Seinfeld: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?
Helen Seinfeld: So why did you say anything?
Jerry: It was a mistake.
Morty Seinfeld: They're good around the house and they're good for outside.

Helen Seinfeld: Why is he after you?
Jerry: He's not after me.
Helen Seinfeld: Morty, did you here this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry.
Morty Seinfeld: I'll make a few phone calls.
Jerry: Who are you going to call?
Morty Seinfeld: What are you worried about?

Kramer: Where did you take it?
Jerry: Where'd I take it?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Where did I take it? Where did I take it? [stabbing with a knife] Um, to that place on, uh, Columbus and uh, 85th. Okay?
Kramer: Jimmy Sherman's?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning.
Jerry: No, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him
Kramer: I'd be happy to.
Jerry: He's a friend of mine.
Jerry: I'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment.
Kramer: Hey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy.
Morty Seinfeld: Give me the receipt.
Kramer: I'll get that, too.

Morty Seinfeld: You know, I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa. My back was fine.
Helen Seinfeld: Well, it's not the sofa.
Morty Seinfeld: You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person.
Helen Seinfeld: We got it at Sullivan's. It's a good store.
Morty Seinfeld: Well, one day somebody's going to sleep on that thing, and we'll get sued.

Jerry: Well, I think you're wrong.
George: Well, we'll just see.
Jerry: Yes, we will.
George: Yes, we will.
Jerry: I just said that.
George: I know you did.
Jerry: So good for you.
George: So good for you.
Jerry: Well, you're repeating everything I'm saying?
George: Well, you're repeating everything I'm saying?
Jerry: Well, George is an idiot.
George: Well, George...

Morty Seinfeld: All right, all right, let's go already. [to himself] They keep you in here a year. They don't give a damn. I could die in here. Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody please help me.
Helen Seinfeld: [enters] Shh. Quiet! Everyone can hear you.
Morty Seinfeld: Twenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty minutes.
Helen Seinfeld: Well, the doctor must be busy.
Morty Seinfeld: Well, what do they make appointments for if they can't keep them. Look, if I did that in my business I wouldn't have made a nickel.
Nurse: Hello, Mr. Seinfeld.
Morty Seinfeld: I thought you forgot about me.
Nurse: We didn't forget. [pulls apart blood pressure cuff]
Morty Seinfeld: Ah! It's Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. It's that tearing sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines.
Nurse: Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this way. We need some X-rays.
Morty Seinfeld: Leave all my stuff here?
Nurse: Leave it.

George: Oh, hey, by the way, do you want a box of Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous.
Jerry: No, I don't want them.
[Kramer enters]
Kramer: I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?
George: Here you go.
Kramer: A box of cigars?
George: Yep.
Kramer: Oh, yeah?
George: Yeah, the kind that Castro smokes. You can't buy them anywhere.
Kramer: Castro? [speaks nonsense Spanish]

Elaine: Whose suitcase is this?
Jerry: Oh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist.
Elaine: Oh, golly, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa.

George: You know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things.
Elaine: No, it's not going to work with this guy.
George: No, you just tell him an old boyfriend has come back into your life.
Elaine: I don't think so.
Jerry: Nice try.
George: Took a shot.