Jerry: It's a tell. You gotta tell.
Elaine: What tell? What's a tell?
Jerry: When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face, you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody.
Elaine: Um, uh... How it going with, uh, Alice?
Jerry: Good, going good. [scratches chin] And the higher up on the face you go, the worse the relationship is getting. You know, it is like pretty good, not bad, I gotta get out.
Elaine: How high did I go?
George: You almost did the nose.

Elaine: I am sorry but there's somebody else.
Dr. Reston: Uh-huh.
Elaine: Well, it's nothing I planned on happening, you know. It just kind of happened.
Dr. Reston: Tell me about him.
Elaine: Well, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy. Really.
Dr. Reston: Yes, well, I assumed he was a guy. And you've known him how long?
Elaine: Years. Many years. Um, we've been close friends and then recently something, you know, just happened.
Dr. Reston: You mean sexually?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.

Dr. Reston: I'm sorry where were we?
Elaine: Well, I was just telling you about this other guy.
Dr. Reston: Elaine, do you remember your dream where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. [coughs] Um.
Dr. Reston: Elaine, I'm concerned about you.
Elaine: Oh, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good. I'm very good, I mean I'm really very very good.
Dr. Reston: Elaine, have you been urinating a lot again?
Elaine: No.

Uncle Leo: Hello. Hello.
Jerry: Hi, Uncle Leo.
Uncle Leo: I just talked to Dr. Debrow's son. He said they almost had to call the police.
Morty Seinfeld: What are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet.
Uncle Leo: You know how hard it was for me to get that appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor.
Morty Seinfeld: All right, Leo.
Uncle Leo: And you walked out without paying.
Morty Seinfeld: How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet.

Jerry: So George and I went up to NBC and we told them our idea for a series, and now we're just waiting to sign the contract.
Helen Seinfeld: And they liked your idea?
Jerry: Yeah.
Morty Seinfeld: What have you got leather seats here?
Helen Seinfeld: Since when is George a writer?
Jerry: What writer? It's a sitcom.

Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst.
Jerry: What do you expect? It's airline food.
Morty Seinfeld: They give you that fish.
Jerry: How could you eat fish on a plane?
Morty Seinfeld: Because she puts up such a big stink every time I have a piece of meat.

Helen Seinfeld: What kind of problems?
Jerry: Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money.
Helen Seinfeld: What? He's not even working.
Morty Seinfeld: George is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me, they're all crooks.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.
Jerry: We're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact, George is out with the woman from NBC right now.

Susan Ross: Oh, uh, before I forget... Cuban cigars. That's a present from my father.
George: Oh, uh, do I have to write him a note or something?
Susan Ross: Yeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that.
George: But what do I say in the note?
Susan Ross: Ah, you're a writer. You'll think of something.
George: Oh, uh, yeah, I'm a writer. [laughs]

Gas Man: That's uh, $18.50.
Morty Seinfeld: Here, I got it.
Jerry: What are you talking about? It's my car. You can pay for the gas.
Morty Seinfeld: No, no put it away.
Jerry: Dad!
Morty Seinfeld: Stop it.
Jerry: I have money. I make money.
Morty Seinfeld: Yeah, yeah, you make money.
Jerry: You don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it?
Helen Seinfeld: No, I don’t think that.
Jerry: Yes, you do. That's what you both think.
Morty Seinfeld: I'm paying.

Jerry: Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. Dad, what are you doing?
Morty Seinfeld: Nothing nothing.
Jerry: Leave it. What about your back?
Helen Seinfeld: Morty, what are you doing?
Morty Seinfeld: All right, all right.
Jerry: You come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases.