Jerry: What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for Krakatoa.
Kramer: It was supposed to erupt.
Jerry: I find the whole thing very embarrassing.
Kramer: Well, you know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes.
Jerry: Yeah, that's easy when you have no income.

Jerry: A mental institution?
Kramer: You know what they do in there? Did you see Cuckoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in your head.
George: It's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm- I'm sick over this.
Elaine: Who told you this?
George: Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

Jerry: if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me, I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him with my bare hands.
Elaine: I don't blame you.
Jerry: Have you ever been through an audit?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones...

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show. Ah, the extra buttons. Yeah, what kind of a sicko really would save these? Have them in a huge file, drawers that wide, you know you just... Where the hell is that...? I mean is it that hard to get black, round buttons that they have to make it into a whole... Like this is such a great jacket. The buttons are so unique, so one-of-a-kind, you'll never find them. We'll save you the trouble of knocking your brains out, because we know they're going to fall off, too. That's the other point they're trying to make here.

Elaine: What are you doing? What is all this?
Jerry: Oh, he's, uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited.
Elaine: Oh, your being audited? What for?
Jerry: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring.
Elaine: When was this?
Jerry: Well, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.
Elaine: I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
Jerry: Volcano? Really? [turns away]
Elaine: Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was...
Jerry: Something to drink?
Elaine: What did you think, that would impress me?
Jerry: You've got me all wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans.
Elaine: Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
Jerry: Those brave Krakatoans... East of Java. Who sacrificed so much for so long.
Elaine: Now you're being audited because of it. You see, that's Karma.
Jerry: No, that's Kramer.

George: I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems.
Patrice: What did I do?
George: Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love.
Patrice: You hate my earrings don't you?
George: No, no.
Patrice: And you didn't comment on the chop sticks.
George: I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice.
Patrice: You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something.
George: I have a fear of intimacy.
Patrice: Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong?
George: Nothing. It's not you.
Patrice: I want the truth.
George: The truth? You want the truth? It is your earrings! It is the chopsticks! But it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name. You called my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel". But you didn't even say "Samuel", you went "Sam-u-el". Papier-mâché? What is Papier-mâché?

Jerry: Oh, my God.
George: It's OK.
Jerry: It's unheard of...
George: She asked me to.
Jerry: So you lie! What did you tell her?
George: I told her that she was pretentious.
Jerry: Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the mafia. They can take anything they want.

Elaine: How would you like it if someone told you the truth?
George: Like what? What could they say?
Elaine: There are plenty of things to say.
George: Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of?
Elaine: George, please.
George: Give me one.
Elaine: You sure?
George: Yes.
Elaine: What?
Elaine: Forget it. You are very careful with money.
George: I'm cheap? You think I'm cheap? How could you say that to me? I can't believe this! How could you say that to me?
Elaine: You asked me to.
George: You should have lied.
Elaine: Huh, so should you.
Jerry: Okay, wait a second. Wait a second. What happened to my papers?
George: I mean I'm not really working right now.
Elaine: I know.
George: When I was working, I spent baby!
Jerry: Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars.

Elaine: Jerry, How can I go on?
Kramer: All right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked. [starts to undress]
Elaine: No thanks!
Kramer: No, I want you to see me naked.
Elaine: No, no no.
Kramer: No, I want to show you.
Jerry: OK, just a second. Let's not lose our heads here. Kramer, you know you are always welcome in my home, but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable to be naked. It's because when you have clothes on, you can always kinda make those little adjustments that people like to do... You feel like you're getting it together. Yeah, yeah, pretty good. Feeling good, looking good. But when you're naked, it's like it's so final. You're just, "Well, that's it. There's nothing else I can do." That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I feel it gives me something. I know I'm naked, but you know... I'd like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be... Wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this... I think that would really help a lot.