George: I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before.
Jerry: My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time. He came over to my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went berserk. He was screaming, "Where's the Pepsi?! Where's the Pepsi?!"
George: I should be in a place like this. I envy this woman. You get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it. It's good. Plus, they give you those word association tests. I love those.
Jerry: That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.
George: Potato.
Jerry: Tuberculosis.
George: Blanket.
Jerry: Leroy.
George: Grass.
Jerry: Tuberculosis.

Jerry: [on the phone] Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer that I bought there. It was 1987. I remember I talked to a guy, he had like a maroon sport jacket and he might have had a toupee. Oh, it was a weave? Okay, uh, then I'll come by. Okay, bye.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys 'R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake and just kinda crank it around there. You know, give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go, "Oh, I'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail."

Patrice: Everyone in my family's creative. And even though I'm working as an accountant now, I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my Papier-mâché hats
George: I don't understand. Papier-mâché hats?
Patrice: Uh-huh.
George: What if it rains?
Patrice: They're art. You hang them on the wall.
George: Oh, art!
Patrice: It's my creative outlet. One of my passions.
George: Any money in it?
Patrice: "Who so belongs only to his age, references only its popinjays and mumbojumbos..."
George: Of course, right.
Patrice: Thomas Carlisle, 1864.
George: Tommy C.

Jerry: These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86.
Kramer: I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited.
Jerry: I don't blame you. I blame myself.
Kramer: No, blame me.
Jerry: OK, I blame you.
Kramer: Don't blame me.

Elaine: Kramer, do me a favor, will you?. If you insist on making pasta in my apartment, please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them. [Jerry smiles] What's so funny?
Jerry: Oh, I don't know. Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny.
Elaine: Yeah, it's a riot, Alice.

Kramer: When do you pit the sauce on?
Elaine: Any other time.
Kramer: I like to strain the sauce.
Elaine: And... I could really live without the tribal music, and the make out sessions in the living room
Kramer: Yeah, Tina likes the couch.

Elaine: So, what are you oing to do?
Jerry: It's all taken care of.
Elaine: How is that?
Kramer: [chuckles]
Jerry: An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly-placed official with a little outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very moment, he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise.
Elaine: Why is she doing this?
Jerry: I don't know. It must be love.

Patrice: Keep going.
George: I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.
Patrice: No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for being so honest.
George: Can I... Uh, can I walk you back to work?
Patrice: I'd prefer to go alone. How much do I owe?
George: Oh, please... [waves his hand] Four dollars is fine.

Jerry: Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor.
George: My whole life has been a complete waste of time. [chuckles]
Jerry: And there's so much more to go.
George: Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple. Tell the truth. That's all. Just tell the truth.