George: All right, let me say this to you. If I am not in front of my house at 6:15, when my parents get there, they are going to put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.
Jerry: Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left my jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. I was flying to Chicago last week on a plane, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket."

George: Oh, what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.
Kramer: Does that bother you?
George: Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?
Kramer: Not at all.
George: You see, now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be 120 because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?
Kramer: Well, I once saw this thing on TV with people who are terminally ill. And every one of them believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.
George: Yeah, I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage in Jersey.

George: You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a new car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.

Jerry: I'm telling you, I've had this condition since I was eleven-years-old! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die. Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die! Is it worth dying for?
Security Guard: That's up to you.
Jerry: So you don't care if I die?
Security Guard: What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
Jerry: Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
Security Guard: I don't know.
Jerry: Because I could get "uromysistisis" poisoning and die, that's why. You think I enjoy living like this? The shame, the humiliation? You know, I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, when you're walking with someone, and you assume that they know where the car is? And you're fine until you see them do this move. Once they do this... [walks forward, turns around and looks] When they look back from where they came from... No, you're in bad shape now. Nobody who knows where they're going does that. Pilots on planes don't open the cockpit door and go... [looks back]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It's very hard to find a store that you want in a mall. They have the directory, but the problem with it is, even if you figure out where you are, and where you want to go, you still don't really know sometimes which way to walk because it's an upright map. If you had, like, suction-cup feet, then you could just [sucking noise] walk right up on it. Then you could tell, you could be on it going, "All right, I'm here. I wanna go to The Gap. That's down there. All right, I'll just walk that way." People would know you. They would see you walking down the mall going... They'd go, "That's one of those suction-cup guy. I heard about that guy. He's never lost."

George: One left. What a joke.
Kramer: You can have this one.
George: No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room. This was a complete waste of time.
Elaine: Hey, I didn't get one either.
Jerry: Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?
Elaine: This is what people do.
Jerry: No, they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.

George: My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?
Jerry: Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.
Elaine: Isn't it going the other way?
Jerry: There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.
Elaine: Yeah, but it's Saturday.
Jerry: You got the picnic and burger traffic.
Elaine: There's picnic traffic?
Jerry: Well, as my grandfather used to say, "Sometimes even a picnic's no picnic."

[As an attractive woman walks by:]
Jerry: What do you think, Georgie boy?
George: Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.
Kramer: Well, if you like her, go talk to her.
George: Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how you doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?"
Jerry: Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button.

Jerry: First of all, you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.
Security Guard: I know what you did.
Jerry: Oh really, do you? Well, it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating. And, you know, when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.