Jerry: All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle... I made it all up, and now I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth- well, I'm jumping ahead here - their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are meeting me in front of my building at 6:15. What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: See, the problem with the mall garage, is that everything looks the same. They try to differentiate it. They put up different colors, different numbers, different letters. What they need to do is name the levels, like, "You're mother's a whore." You know what I mean? You would remember that. You would go, "I know. I remember, I'm parked in 'My father's an abusive alcoholic.' I know where I'm parked."

Elaine: So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?
George: Well, at least you accomplished something. You got fish.
Jerry: Big accomplishment.
George: Fish. What do they do?
Elaine: What do you do?

Elaine: I'm sure it's right around here.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. It looks familiar. I remember the elevator.
George: There's elevators all over! Everything all looks the same. We're like rats in some experiment!

Jerry: I really have to go to the bathroom.
Kramer: Why don't you go behind one of these cars? [off Jerry's look] Why? There's nobody's around.
Jerry: I'll wait.
Kramer: You know, you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. Well, they hold it in all the time, and eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?
Jerry: Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you. Wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.

Elaine: There's no way you can get in touch with them?
George: Yeah, I'll call them on their car phone.
Elaine: What do you think it would take for his parents to get a car phone?
Jerry: Hypnosis by aliens.

George: Where the hell is this car, Kramer?
Kramer: It's got to be here.
Elaine: Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.
Jerry: Maybe it's not on this level.
George: What?
Jerry: There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?
Elaine: It felt like a couple of levels.
Jerry: You should bring a pad and pen.
George: I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.

Jerry: Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? Don't they consult with a urologist when they build one of these places?

Woman: [o.s., to her young son] Don't you dare talk to me like that, you hear me? I told you, I don't care how long. You'll have to wait.
George: Hey, hey, hey. Is that really necessary?
Woman: Why don't you mind your own business?
George: Well, I think hitting a defenseless child is my business.
Boy: You're ugly.
George: What?
Boy: You're ugly.
George: You are!
Boy: You are!
George: That's what you think.
Boy: That's what I know.

Elaine: My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.
Jerry: No one's going to do that.
Elaine: [to a middle-aged couple] Excuse me. Hi. We can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible, if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look.
Man: Sorry.
Elaine: Just five minutes.
Man: Can't do it.
Elaine: We're not skinheads.