‘The Merv Griffin Show’
Season 9, Episode 6 - Aired November 6, 1997
Kramer hosts a talk show in his apartment after finding the set to the old Merv Griffin show. Elaine is haunted at work by a colleague who silently sidles up to her. George's girlfriend is horrified when they run over some pigeons. Jerry dates a woman with a toy collection.
Quote from George
Miranda: Doctor, how's the squirrel?
George: Is he dead?
Vet: No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him?
Miranda: Yes, he would.
Vet: You have 30 minutes. [exits]
George: So ... uh, squirrel.
Vet: [returns] One more thing, Mr. Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up tomorrow.
George: What's that?
Vet: Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home.
George: He has no home. He's a squirrel.
Vet: Your home, Mr. Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: Jerry, what are you doing tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.
Jerry: What about my "questionable material"?
Kramer: Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful... Plus, we got Jim Fowler!
Jerry: Jim Fowler? The animal guy from Wild Kingdom is coming to your apartment?
Kramer: Well, I practically raised his kids.
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: Hey! [Jerry and George are taken aback] Nice sidle, huh? Speaking of which, I think I've got that problem solved.
Jerry: Tic Tacs worked?
Elaine: He's a human maraca.
Quote from Elaine
George: Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.
Elaine: You took him over to Celia's?
Jerry: What? It's a victimless crime.
Elaine: What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?
Jerry: Okay, one victim.
Elaine: I think it's unconscionable.
George: Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.
Elaine: EZ Bake oven?
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: No, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.
Lou: Why?
Elaine: Because they're turning your teeth green?
Lou: I only buy the white ones.
Elaine: Okay. Well, then your teeth are green for a different reason. Just stop carrying these, okay? Just... Just mouth wash.
Lou: I can't. It burns my cankers.
Elaine: Binacca?
Lou: Again.
Elaine: Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it. Chew gum.
Lou: I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that about 20 years ago.
Elaine: Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: Okay. a little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler.
Jim Fowler: Where are the cameras?
Kramer: But first, we're talking with Jerry. Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy collection. How do you feel about that?
Jerry: It was great. I've done it a few more time since then.
Kramer: And she doesn't know anything about this?
Jerry: No, not a thing.
Newman: [laughs]
Kramer: Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you. Come on out, Celia!
Celia: What kind of a sick twisted creep are you?
Newman & Kramer: Whoa.
Jerry: What is this? What is she doing here?
Kramer: It's the new format. Scandals and animals. Go with it.
Celia: If you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy!
Newman: Go girl!
Jerry: Well, what kind of woman drinks a whole box of wine?
Newman and Kramer: Oh!
Quote from Kramer
George: Mister Fowler, I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science!
Kramer: George I told you we're booked!
Jim Fowler: Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.
Kramer: Oh, another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over.
Jim Fowler: No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!
Kramer: Are we getting this?