[stand-up:]
Jerry: How about that seedless watermelon? What an invention. Scientists are working on this. Other scientists devote their lives to fighting cancer, AIDS, heart disease. These guys go, "No, I'm focusing on melon. Oh, sure, thousands of people are dying needlessly, but this... [mimes spits seed] has got to stop. You ever try and pick a wet one up off the floor? It's almost impossible. I'm devoting my life to that." So I guess if they can get rid of the seeds, the rind is going next. What do we need that for? Get rid of the ring. They're not gonna stop until they're making in-the-ground, ready-to-eat fruit cups growing right out of the ground.

Jerry: All right, let me ask you this: when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: You're just straightening up or you're cleaning?
George: Cleaning
Jerry: You do the tub?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: On your knees, Ajax, scrubbing, the whole deal?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Okay, I think you're in love!
George: Tub is love?
Jerry: Tub is love. So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment.

George: There's one little problem.
Jerry: Sexual?
George: Yeah. Well... I've never really felt confident in... one particular aspect.
Jerry: Below the equator?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.

George: You faked?
Elaine: On occasion.
Jerry: And the guy never knows?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: How can he not know that?
Elaine: Because I was good.
Jerry: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway. [both laugh]
Elaine: You didn't know.

Kramer: You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times.
Jerry: How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. I mean, if she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it.
Kramer: Yeah I could have helped you out.
Jerry: What could you have done?
Kramer: I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons, buddy.

Elaine: Renee, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something: have you ever... you know... faked it?
Renee: Yeah, sometimes.
Elaine: Really, like when?
Renee: Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats.
Elaine: Yeah, well...
Renee: Well, you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep.

George: Well, if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?

Jerry: Hey, Joe.
Joe: How is it going?
Jerry: Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. All right, let's see. Mangoes. Four plums with red on the inside. Avocado. Ooh, just right. And three plantains ought to do it.
Joe: All right. All right, just hold it right there.
Jerry: What?
Joe: This fruit isn't for you.
Jerry: What? What are you talking about?
Joe: You think I don't know, huh? Mangoes, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer!
Jerry: I can't buy mangoes and plantains?
Joe: All right, get out!
Jerry: You're making a big mistake, Joe!
Joe: I'll tell you something else: I don't what your business anymore either.
Jerry: Are you saying you're banning me from the store?
Joe: That's exactly what I'm saying.
Jerry: I'm banned?!
Joe: You're banned.

Kramer: Here, have some mango.
George: I don't want any mango.
Kramer: Come on, take some. It's good.
George: [tries a piece] Very good. Juicy. Ripe. Boy, this Joe's got some terrific fruit.
Jerry: What?
George: I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion!
Kramer: I told you.
Jerry: What is it?
George: I think it moved. Oh, my God, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.
Elaine: Hi, George.
George: I'm back, baby! I'm back!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: A female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. Very few people know where it is. And if you're lucky enough to see it, you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. There are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to a man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked "What did you see after the car went out of control?". "Uh, I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear."