George: Out of the question. Out of the question!
Jerry: Why?
George: No, I'm not gonna do that. That's one step away from personal ads. And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! ... What does she look like?

Cynthia: First of all, what does he do?
Elaine: He was in real estate. Um... Now, he's not working right now.
Cynthia: Oh, he's not working?! How come he's not working?
Elaine: Well, I mean, he got fired.
Cynthia: Why did he get fired?
Elaine: Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried to poison his boss.
Cynthia: Excuse me?
Elaine: Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously, I mean he just had some problems at work.
Cynthia: Is he nuts?
Elaine: No, no, no, he's a really really funny guy.

Cynthia: Has he ever been married?
Elaine: No.
Cynthia: Has he been close?
Elaine: He once spent a weekend with a woman.
Cynthia: He didn't really try to poison his boss?
Elaine: Yeah, he did.

George: We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for, like, twenty minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tambre?
Jerry: I think it's tambre.
George: Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials. Why didn't you tell me about her voice?
Jerry: I didn't notice the voice.
George: It's mellifluous!
Jerry: So, Saturday night.
George: She had to be impressed by that conversation. Had to! It was a great performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date, they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant, done.

Kramer: You know my friend, Bob Sacamano?
Jerry: Oh, the guy from Jersey?
Kramer: Yeah. He just got a job at a condom factory in Edison. Look at this, he gave me a gross. Look at that.
George: What are you gonna do with all of them?
Kramer: Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em.
Jerry: No thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box.
Kramer: Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag.
Elaine: Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap.
George: I'll take one. It's possible.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we should have, like, a secret signal with the druggist. That you just walk into the drugstore, you go up to the counter, he looks at you and if you go like this... [nods] He puts them in the bag for you, that's it. You show up there, you put your little shaving cream, your little toothpaste, you know, "How are you today?" [nods] "Have a nice day." "You too."

Kramer: By the way, when you see George give him these, these'll work.
Elaine: I knew those condoms were defective!
Jerry: How did you know they were defective?!
[George enters]
Elaine: Because! Because she missed her period!
George: She missed her period? Oh, my God. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it! [runs out excitedly]

Cynthia: There's just no men out there, you know?
Elaine: I know.
Cynthia: I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person.
Elaine: I hate the good ones.
Cynthia: Is Jerry one of the good ones?
Elaine: That's a good question. I think he thinks he is.
Cynthia: Well, the mediocre ones are available, but they're so insecure about not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well, I'm not good enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I just go, "You're right."
Elaine: You know, maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre.
Cynthia: No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing. Somebody who just has to appreciate being with me because he's so desperate.

Jerry: I've never fixed anybody up.
Elaine: Uh, me neither and I am not about to start with George.
Jerry: Well, why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George?
Elaine: I didn't say "too good". Did I say "too good"?
Jerry: Well, you implied it.
Elaine: I didn't say it.

Elaine: No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how their dates went. Are we gonna share that information?
Jerry: Naturally.
Elaine: Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean every secret?
Jerry: Everything.
Elaine: What if it worked out?
Jerry: [dialing] Yeah, right.