Jackie Chiles: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.
Kramer: Who could love me?
Wilkie: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.
Wilkie: All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. [exits]
Kramer: Yeah, bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.
Jackie Chiles: You better believe it. Jackie's cashing in on your wretched disfigurement.

George: You know, Louise. I think you'll find this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry-
Louise: George, I have to have sex.
George: I used to share that very same outlook. But now, I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom.
Louise: Goodbye, George. I hate you. [exits]
George: What a fascinating turn of events.

Jerry: Where have you been? You know, you're on next.
George: I got lost on the way over.
Jerry: Got lost? We went to school here for three years.
George: What are these? [holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.
Jerry: Oh, my God. You had sex! You had sex with Louise!
George: No, the Portuguese waitress.
Jerry: The Portuguese waitress?
George: I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.

Kramer: That was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
Jackie Chiles: It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet.
Kramer: Well, Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little powwow.
Jackie Chiles: A powwow? Who told you to have a powwow? I didn't tell you to have powwow.
Kramer: She made an offer. I took it.
Jackie Chiles: How much?
Kramer: No, no, no. There was no money.
Jackie Chiles: No money? Then what'd we get?
Kramer: Check it out.
[Kramer features on a cigarette billboard]
Jackie Chiles: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

George: Say me, you and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes.
Jerry: Why are we flying over the Andes?
George: We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive?
Jerry: Kramer.
George: So fast? What about me?
Jerry: No.
George: Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
Jerry: Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you.
George: Well, I would eat you.
Jerry: That's very nice, I guess.
George: I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend.
Jerry: Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you.
George: Thank you.
Jerry: [about George's snack] Can I have a piece of that?
George: No.

Mrs. Burns: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here.
Jerry: I'm on next, right?
Mrs. Burns: Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the Bronx zoo...
Jerry: The guy with the lizard.
Mrs. Burns: Yes. Well, he started feedin'git crickets, and the children just love him. And we're out of time. So can you come back tomorrow?
Jerry: I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from Career Day?

George: Kramer, what are you doing? You can't smoke in here.
Kramer: No, come on.
Larry: Take it outside.
Kramer: Come on, Larry. You know me.
Larry: It bothers people, and it's against the law.
Jerry: You can make all the laws you want. He's still gonna bother people.

Mrs. Burns: Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care for a Graham cracker?
Jerry: No, let's just do it. [fire alarm goes off] What? What is going on? What is that about?
Mrs. Burns: Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!
Jerry: But I was promised this slot.
Mrs. Burns: Single file, Jerry.

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello?
Katie: Jerry.
Jerry: Oh hi, Katie.
Katie: I heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional.
Jerry: Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.
Katie: They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls.

George: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. [hits a home run] It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now who are you again?
George: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George: In six games.