J.D.: It wasn't a race! OK, fine! Let's just play- Let's play "Tip Over the Trash Can". OK? I win. I win.
Janitor: Can I play? [knocks papers out of J.D.'s hand] This is fun.

Elliot: This might sound weird, but I'm in love with that guy and if I don't sleep with him, I'm going to kill myself. It's inappropriate to jump a patient, isn't it?
Carla: Totally.
Elliot: Have you ever done it?
Carla: Tons of times.
Turk: "Tons of times" what?
Carla: Nothing, baby.

Dr. Cox: Why hasn't he had a surgical consult? Oh, you know what, I'm sorry. That's my fault. I didn't make it clear how I feel about things that should already be done. So, here it is. I almost always wish things were done already.

J.D.: Look, Mr. Hoffner asked for all his treatment options and I gave them to him. He never specifically asked for a surgical consult.
Mr. Hoffner: Could I have a surgical consult?
Dr. Cox: You may have whatever you want there, cowboy.
J.D.: How is that helpful? Do you not get the doctor-patient relationship? We're supposed to be a team.
Mr. Hoffner: You and me? We're gonna get killed.

Mr. Hoffner: What are you serving for dinner tonight?
J.D.: No, that's not really my area.
Mr. Hoffner: I'd like chicken.

J.D.: Okay, Mr. Hoffner, here's your surgical consult. But I have to warn you, he's gonna agree with the medical course I set for you. Now then, Dr. Turk, why don't you tell Mr. Hoffner whether or not you think he should have surgery.
Turk: I think he should have surgery.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, the important thing to remember is that we're professionals, and we should behave as such in front of the patient.
[J.D. shoves Turk, who shoves him back]

Elliot: Why hasn't he asked me out? I'm single. I've mentioned, like, five movies I want to see. I even keep dropping things so when I pick them up, he can see how flexible I am.
Carla: Elliot, you have to understand these things take time and self-respect. So we're going to focus on time.
Elliot: That's a good point. I mean, nobody likes me when they first meet me.
Carla: Exactly! I'm helping.

Elliot: Oh, no.
Sean: Ah, I knew it. I'm dying. I was exhausted the whole time I was on that treadmill. I should have said something. But I never do. No. I mean, not when it comes to my well-being. And now I'm getting a pig heart.
Elliot: No, you're perfect. You're free to go. Today.
Sean: That seems like good news.
Elliot: Best news ever. Oh, dropped my clipboard. I'll just...
Sean: Do I need to sign something?

J.D.: You were going to back me up.
Turk: He's had ulcerative colitis for ten years.
Mr. Hoffner: And no girlfriends. It's a gassy disease.
J.D.: You can't consider it a reoccurrence. He was under-treated the last time.
Turk: He's high risk for colon cancer.
J.D.: That's why we're going to give him frequent colonoscopies.
Mr. Hoffner: How frequent?
J.D.: I can't believe you're trying to turn this into a competition. Luckily, it's not up to you. It's up to Mr. Hoffner.
Mr. Hoffner: I'm going to go with surgery.
J.D.: You're getting meat for dinner.
Mr. Hoffner: I eat chicken.

Dr. Cox: Good God, Newbie, do you think you're the only one with problems around here? Give me a break. Watch this. Pick a nurse, any nurse. Oh, Laverne, when you get a chance, could you grab a file for me?
Nurse Roberts: Grab these.
Dr. Cox: Rough all over. So don't talk to me, Joanie. Just go talk to your patient. [whistles] Go.