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My Way or the Highway

‘My Way or the Highway’

Season 1, Episode 20 - Aired April 16, 2002

J.D. is upset when Turk convinces one of his patients to go the surgical route. Dr. Cox is angry after Dr. Kelso fires a nurse who makes great coffee. Meanwhile, Elliot treats a male patient, Sean (guest star Scott Foley) who's as neurotic as she is.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm not gonna let Turk beat me. I'm gonna fight back, and you want to know how? I'm telling.
J.D.: Dr. Cox?
[fantasy: J.D. is dressed like a boy as he sits on Dr. Cox's lap and cries:]
J.D.: He stole my patient. And then, and then...
Dr. Cox: Oh, it's OK, Jumbo. Now, who's my big boy? Oh, who's my big boy?
J.D.: I am!
Dr. Cox: Oh, you're my big boy! You're my big boy.
J.D.: I'm your big...

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: What's up, Benedict?
Turk: What?
J.D.: Benedict Arnold?
Turk: That's just the lamest smack talk I've ever heard in my life.
J.D.: Well, that's not what the redcoats thought.
Mr. Hoffner: Wow, you went colonial on his ass.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: So, what's up, man? You're gonna go under the knife just because he told you to?
Mr. Hoffner: No, I spoke to some other people.
J.D.: Like who?
Janitor: All fixed.
J.D.: He's a janitor.
Mr. Hoffner: Yeah, but he seems confident.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Look it, you fired a dear, dear friend of mine. That woman was like family.
Dr. Kelso: Who?
Dr. Cox: Who? I'll tell you who... Coffee Nurse. When you fired Coffee Nurse, you made this whole thing personal.
Dr. Kelso: No, you made it personal. You gave me all that lip yesterday in front of the interns. Look, you want to know why I laid off those first two nurses? Budgetary constraints forced a cut, and those two had negative reports. And you think I did it to make myself happy. [laughs] I wouldn't notice if they all caught on fire.
Dr. Cox: Well then why in God's name did you axe Coffee Nurse?
Dr. Kelso: Because you were being an ass. You're right, that was personal. My bad. Golly, I do love moist cake.

Quote from Elliot

Sean: How's it going?
Elliot: It's good. Yeah, it's good.
Sean: Uh, you have a little something on your cheek.
Elliot: Yeah, that's just... That's poo.
Sean: Oh, well, I mean, you know what they say, right? Because everybody poops. I mean, I just did. Earlier. Not this second. But down there, I... I pooped.
Elliot: Wow, that is so cool that you can just talk about it.
Sean: Really? Okay. Yeah, I love to poop.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I cannot believe I talked to Sean about poo for ten minutes.
Carla: Relax. Nobody knows.
Nurse Roberts: Hey, Poopie.
Elliot: At one point, I tried changing the subject to art. But we went from art to artists to alcohol to coffee, and that just led right back to poo.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Elliot, you know how they say, "No one will love you until you learn to love yourself"?
Elliot: My mother used to say, "No one will love you".
Carla: Just fake it. Don't let him see what a neurotic mess you are. You see Turk over there? He doesn't know that I cry sometimes because I'm not sure there's a cat heaven. It's all about hiding the crazy and acting like the most confident girl in the room.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Thanks again, sir.
Dr. Kelso: No matter what the board says, I'm not going to let someone like you get away. Not without a fight.
Dr. Cox: You think she doesn't see through you? These people know who really cares about them.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, is that so? You and Jennifer are pretty tight?
Dr. Cox: Hell, yeah we are. Hey, Jenny. Gosh, I'm glad you're back.
Coffee Nurse: Thanks. My name's Patti.
Nurse Roberts: Fool.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes your ego leads you into battles you can't possibly win. And sometimes you have to admit that feeling competitive isn't a bad thing. If you believe you're right, you have to fight for it.
J.D.: I know it's the right way to go, and I am not gonna take no for an answer. So what do you say?
[The Janitor gives the patient a thumbs-up signal behind J.D.'s back]
Man: Okay, let's do it.
Janitor: You won. Now beat it.
J.D.: What?
Janitor: Go. [to the patient] Let's get you some sherbet.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Bottom line, when the stakes are high, go for the win. You know, as long as you don't get caught up in the petty stuff.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, by God, if we lose to these cutters, don't even bother showing up tomorrow.
Dr. Wen: I don't want to beat them. I want to embarrass them.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox and Dr. Wen singing on a balcony:]
Both: [singing] A surgeon and a doc Above it all...

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